What do you do when you are faced with something that quells your motivation? Does it cause you to give up or work harder? this is the question that landed in my lap this week. Faced with two month of teaching left I went to a workshop to get invigorated and motivated to stay to course and keep at this writing here and there until I can do it full-time. Instead of the happy go get them feeling I usually get after such classes I got handed my head (rightfully so) about how the first five pages of my novel have serious problems.
I was faced with several things all at once.I could A-get my feelings hurt and decide I was crap and not meant to be a writer. B-get pissed assume that I was right and that she didn’t know what she was talking about or C-put those things aside and actually listen to what she was telling me. I tried hard for number three but fell slightly short. I think that I managed to absorb most of the technical stuff that she was telling me. But there was another part of me that would not let go of the fact that she said not one “good” thing about my submitted pages in over an hour of talking. This was discouraging on so many levels.
I came home in a funk and my husband did his best to encourage and levity but I wouldn’t let it go. So this morning I dragged myself to early service and my pastor was talking about literal and metaphorical death and I got it. Not only was my ego having a field day with this one but I realized again that I am trying to birth a whole new career here. It’s not going to be as easy as teaching is for me and my first year of teaching wasn’t either. I have very high expectations for myself which is not bad but they must be balanced with what is practical to make progress achievable and not just burn out.
This is where the dedication comes in. In the past I would have believed that is was a lost cause and the odds were against me ect. But now I see that if I let it be this is an opportunity for growth and making my book better. NO one in this world gets to live their dreams by standing around waiting for someone else to notice how great they could be if it would just fall into their lap. They get up every day and work hard because THEY believe and are willing to keep believing in the dark when no one else does, or when others tell them it’s not possible.
So I begin again,putting aside that part of me that wants to fuss and say poor me. Poor me nothing. I am strong and I choose to take this opportunity to make my manuscript better, to make it the best it can be. So be it.