I would be lying if I did not document a touch of the uncertainty and fear that passes through from time to time. I’m in one of those places right now. Not in a big way but it’s there, kinda nibbling at my toes not a full-fledged devouring type.
It stems from the fact that I’m not writing yet. I got off work about two and a half weeks ago. I tried to jump right into doing a lot of things and gave myself a mini break down because I was so mentally and physically exhausted from the end of the school year. So I promised myself and my husband that I would actually let myself have a week or two off.
The problem being that for the most part I am a do-er. Especially when it come to work. There is a certain part of me that needs to know that I am doing my best, giving my all to something and not just hobbies. I have been momentarily distracted from this feeling by the preparation for the art show: making, framing and such. But it doesn’t quiet the voice inside that says “what about the writing?”
I quit my job and changed my life to be a writer and now I’m terrified that maybe I don’t have the chops. I know the rest was necessary but all these time lines I have in my head haven’t even started yet. (Finish edit, send to agents, get agent ect) And in the mean time I am here at home. Which is good, haven’t seen my husband this much since before we were married, it’s very nice. But nice doesn’t pay bills or feed the creative drive.
I guess what I’m saying is that I’m scared that I will not achieve the goals that I have set for myself. I have a very high standards that excuses don’t make go away. I know if I learn to temper it that drive it could be a wonderful tool to keep me motivated and on track. But it could also be a harpy on my back if all I use it for is to beat up on myself.
So I’m going to enjoy this week of vacation (we’re actually going some where) and then finish the prep for the show (it opens in July), then I’m going to write. I have confidence that once I am dedicated to the process it will happen. If I can write half of a 100,000 word book in three months I can do this. It is all a matter of letting the process happen instead of beating myself over the head for not being fast enough.
Well I feel better. Thanks for the listen.