Take a breath

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Why am I so afraid? To be successful, to be noticed, to do my best?

There is a battle in my brain every day when I sit down to the computer to write. You can, you can’t , you will, you won’t. It’s like I have a split personality up there. One moment I’m sure that everything that I am writing is total crap and this isΒ  going to blow up in my face; and the next my ego is having a field day telling me it’s in the bag.

I stand in the middle ringing my hands, yelling “shut up” at the top of my lungs.

In the moment that follows I feel childish, confused and wonder if life is supposed to be this way. But how is life “supposed” to be? Does that mean easy, meaningful, inspiring, viable? I’m not sure.

I know that went I do get it my heart feels open, my mind is there in the background and my fingers listen to the conversations of my character’s and document, not create them. I guess this is why it is so frustrating when the flow is inhibited because I know what its like when it’s not.

So I’m taking a breath and reminding myself that I don’t have to be “the best” I just have to be me.

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9 responses »

  1. Being you is being your best. Don’t be too critical of yourself, you are an incredible writer and I know that even if it doesn’t happen within your self-set schedule, it will happen when it’s supposed to and it will be amazing. Have faith in yourself.

    • Okay, that’s not fair! I started to comment and realized, Christina already said exactly what I was going to say. I guess, when truth is truth it resonates from all around you. Being you IS being your best. Your heart, your ideas, your words- they are the best YOU that can be given to the world. All you need is to believe what we all already know.

  2. When you experience the sudden push to stop (or never start) writing after sitting down to do just that, you are living through something almost all writers deal with. Writing is a very demanding thing for the mind to do, and your mind, for all its amazing power and glory, hates you for making it think about writing.

    Your mind tells you the sentences, the paragraphs, the stories are crap. It tells you that watching TV or taking a nap would be so much better, but at the same time reminds you that you want to be writing, and you are not doing it.

    I would recommend a book to you that talks a lot about how to combat the urge to ignore the very thing that us writers love. It’s called ‘Write. 10 Days to Overcome Writer’s Block.Period.’ I’m not one for silly writer’s self help books, but this one actually went into the science and actions a writer can take to push away the nagging self destruction inherent in a writer’s life.

    Either way, you should always give yourself enough slack to know that writing is tough and some days you just can’t do it. That being said, don’t ever give up on yourself too easily. The defining feature of a writer, the one that separates them from others, is that they write.

    • Thanks. I really appreciate the encouragement. Oddly enough I moved from my office to a different room in the house and it really helped. I think I needed a break from the space. Part of my issue it that I have edited this part of my novel several times and there are several versions in my head and I’m so bored with it. So I decided yesterday that when I’m done with this revision it is going to get a long break before I look at it again. That book sounds interesting, I think I’ll check it out.

  3. I agree with mlkabik. I would suggest taking a class, too. It gives you a face-to-face body of critics and others going through the same thing as you. It could really help with the confidence level. After all, if I wanted to become a concert pianist, I’d be foolish to just pick out my own tune every day and never take a lesson.

    • I have taken several adult ed classes at a local college and am part of a great speculative fiction writers group. I have read several books on style and “what not” to do. But there comes I time when you just have to make it happen. I think I was just putting a lot of pressure on myself to do and be a certain thing and forgetting that we all need grace when learning. Thanks so much for your comments I really enjoy hearing from you.

  4. the split persona is there in all of us …. no ‘creator’ is ever fully happy with their creation … it always seems there’s scope for improvement … but never mind … we – the listeners dont know tht … so keep on writing πŸ™‚

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