Trust the path ahead

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I am a total “have plan “b”, second guesser” of things. A life time of limited options taught me that you had to be able to adjust quickly because the bottom would fall out and things would not work out as planned. In the years since I have been the controlling factor in my life things have stabilized a bit but hat nature is ingrained.

So I find myself siting in my office trying to write or get motivated enough to write and the critic in my head is jabbering on like a mad man. Telling me that I’ve established bad patters, that I don’t really care about my work or I would be crazy about it, that I don’t have what it takes. That it is not as easy as I want it to be. I don’t know that four years of effort could be considered easy, and I have done a lot to try to improve my skills. But I know I still have a ways to go and that is where this voice get s the upper hand. It takes the “seeming” truth and warps it to its furthest extremes, I’m either fabulous and don’t need and work or advice (this one is rare for me) or there is so much “fixing” to so that I don’t do anything creative.

I find myself overwhelmed but all of these thoughts. I wish that I could hit pause and just think about how I really feel about writing and myself for a while. Because when I do that, I know that I love to tell stories, really good stories that motivate and open people’s hearts, that say something true about people regardless of the setting. And I believe that I am able to do this. I do not have bloated ideas about my skills, in fact I know that I still have much to learn. But I love creating worlds and shining a light on a moment of humanness, giving it the full attention that it is due. Because I believe that these connections and awearnesses teach us about our selves and each other.

So what is the point to this whole ramble? I need to be nicer to myself, I need to trust my skills, I need to write everyday even if it not on the book. So this is my trying to love myself enough to trust the process and not have a “plan B.” Its hard, there is a huge part of me that says if I don’t have a contingency plan I’m screwed, but by having such a plan I never believe in myself wholly, I always preserve a bit of the doubt. SO no doubt, just faith that I can do this and do it well, in no particular time frame.

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4 responses »

  1. I have faith that you will do well at whatever you undertake, but I am also a plan “B” person I always have been. Remember the scripture that says I know what I have planned for you.

  2. I know exactly how the ‘plan B’ thing works…I’ve got a list of ‘plan B’s’ about a mile long for this crazy journey I’m on. None of them will make me happy. None of them will make me fulfilled the way writing will/does/has. I’ve done my best to throw away the options they offer, at least mentally, and put my energy into believing that this task, this plan, the life I’ve started to carve for myself, will be successful and fruitful. Believe in yourself. We both know that the power of positive thought and belief carries us far farther than any ‘plan B’ ever can, even if that back up feels a lot safer. You CAN do this. You ARE good enough. You HAVE the talent and ability. You WILL find the success you dream of.

  3. I’m on plan F at the moment, and let me just say, I wish I had followed my dreams when I had the chance. I may still have that chance, even just a little but, but plan F has worn me down pretty well and it’s hard to find the joy or the confidence enough to make my dream decision and see it through. You are so much stronger than I am. Don’t over think it, or those thoughts will get the best of you, and you’ll end up dissatisfied, on plan F, like me.

    • Don’t be so hard on yourself, remember we all have numerous chances and possibilities. Just because one moment passed you by does not mean that it will not come back or a better one will not present itself in the mean time. Stay focused on what you what, that is what I am working on, positive, positive, positive.

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