I am a total “have plan “b”, second guesser” of things. A life time of limited options taught me that you had to be able to adjust quickly because the bottom would fall out and things would not work out as planned. In the years since I have been the controlling factor in my life things have stabilized a bit but hat nature is ingrained.
So I find myself siting in my office trying to write or get motivated enough to write and the critic in my head is jabbering on like a mad man. Telling me that I’ve established bad patters, that I don’t really care about my work or I would be crazy about it, that I don’t have what it takes. That it is not as easy as I want it to be. I don’t know that four years of effort could be considered easy, and I have done a lot to try to improve my skills. But I know I still have a ways to go and that is where this voice get s the upper hand. It takes the “seeming” truth and warps it to its furthest extremes, I’m either fabulous and don’t need and work or advice (this one is rare for me) or there is so much “fixing” to so that I don’t do anything creative.
I find myself overwhelmed but all of these thoughts. I wish that I could hit pause and just think about how I really feel about writing and myself for a while. Because when I do that, I know that I love to tell stories, really good stories that motivate and open people’s hearts, that say something true about people regardless of the setting. And I believe that I am able to do this. I do not have bloated ideas about my skills, in fact I know that I still have much to learn. But I love creating worlds and shining a light on a moment of humanness, giving it the full attention that it is due. Because I believe that these connections and awearnesses teach us about our selves and each other.
So what is the point to this whole ramble? I need to be nicer to myself, I need to trust my skills, I need to write everyday even if it not on the book. So this is my trying to love myself enough to trust the process and not have a “plan B.” Its hard, there is a huge part of me that says if I don’t have a contingency plan I’m screwed, but by having such a plan I never believe in myself wholly, I always preserve a bit of the doubt. SO no doubt, just faith that I can do this and do it well, in no particular time frame.