If you have been following my blog, I’m sure you’ve realized that of late, I have been all over the place. Not that this blog has a theme but it has been more scattered than usual these day and that is because my mind has been like that.
I’m not sure what I thought it would be like when I moved here, how I thought working at home would work but what ever those ideas where, they didn’t happen.
I have spent the better part of a month trying to figure out what I am doing with myself. I have been uninspired and angry with myself that I am “not” doing what I set out to do. This lead to a bout of depression and then a cold. I was looking at my life with all these expectations and time lines and the less I accomplished the further I fell into the “your ruining it” pit.
Several wonderful people have helped me change my view (Nancy, Jared, Eve and Rebecca). They reminded me that what I am trying to do (totally change my life and career) is not easy or fast. That I have to remember to take it in stages. So that is what I am finally doing. I have mostly figured out what I want to do with my day, including exercise and leaving the house for two hours (M-TH) to help out at the SPCA. These two things keep me physically and mentally ready to sit down and write without feeling bored or sedentary.
I am a part of a bible study a church that is helping me to get to know people better and get some face time in. This week I have an audition for the choir and then I will have one night a week that I am off doing something that I love to do and give Jared a night alone in the house.
I feel like for the first time since I moved, that it is coming together. I didn’t expect to be so lonely or so challenged with the writing. It has been difficult to “fail” in my own eyes by not meeting the goals that I set for myself. That said, I think this is the way it was meant to be. Not the depression or frustration but giving my life time to organically evolve into the best possible arrangement to feed me on multiple levels so that the creative part of me is ready and willing to express.
I made myself a schedule for the week yesterday and for the first time I feel like I am really ready to do this, that all the pieces have finally fallen into place. I want to say thank you to the people who listened and encouraged me, shared their stories of similar struggle and reassured me that God still had a plan and I needed to wait and see what he was up to.
I know I still have a lot to learn and that it will be difficult at times but I see myself ready and able to begin and for now that is right where I should be.