Its been a long week. I got here last Thursday, the day after my mom had surgery. Friday was a typical day after major surgery for her, mostly out of it and sleeping. Saturday my best friend Rebecca drove into town and spent the day with me and mom. I was so thankful because mom had a really bad day due to some complications with her surgery. I spent the night at the hospital that night. The next day my brother and dad stayed with her while I took a little time to recoup with Rebecca.
Since then she has been doing moderately better but it is uncertain how long she will have to stay in the hospital. We received news yesterday that her prognosis is not a good as we had hoped for. My mom has between stage 2/3 cancer. They think they got all the tumors when they did the surgery but there is no was to know if the free radical cells have spread to other parts of her body.
So we wait for her to get well enough to come home and then we wait for her to be well enough to go through radiation and chemo therapy. My dad has nervous issues and is not taking all of this well. I am dong my best to be there for both of them but there is only so much of me. That is why I am in a hotel. I needed some space and a place that was drama free to get myself ready for the day and decompress at night.
I love my family but i won’t be any good to them if I burn out too. My mom needs me to actually hear what is going on when the doctors come in and ask the hard questions and my dad needs me to help him get the house ready for mom and keep him from obsessing about the worst. I get totally over whelmed from time to time. It is hard to try to balance it all.
But as my husband reminded me I need to take care of me too. So this morning I am going to do some yoga and try to get my head and heart in the right place for the day. I am journaling at night to help ease my mind at the end of the day. I brought my camera with me and will be visiting a few places I haven’t been to in years in the evenings, if there is time.
So what is the “point” of this post. My life has changed, and it is hard right now. I have a lot of responsibility and I feel alone. I know that I can do this, but I also know it won’t happen if I don’t take care of myself. So I’m trying to understand what that means to me. How to love myself in the middle of all this.