I woke up this morning with a scratch in my throat, a bump in my brain and a break in my heart. The tea is doing its best to calm my ragged nerves, the pumpernickel and marmalade are staving off nausea. No it’s not pregnancy or a hang over, it’s just my life. Which of late I am not handling so well.
How do you know when its time to ask for help? When do you realize the that issues in your life span beyond what you are able to cope with? Why do I not choose these things before they reach such high levels of tension? I don’t have answers for these questions. If I did I wouldn’t be using my tea to nurse a head ache from crying too long, or a mental pep talk to get me out of my pajamas.
I don’t want sympathy or someone else to “fix” my life, I would just like to understand it for five minuets and not feel so overwhelmed all the time. It seems the vast majority of my life has been spent worrying about one thing or another. I think there was a brief moment in college when I was just a student and didn’t really think about much else, and I remember being happy.
Since then, marriage, owning a home and career limbo have changed that sunny view. So why are you listening to me whine? I’m not sure, only that my intention is not to whine but to try to understand how I got here. I want to fix the things in my life and myself that don’t work. I’m willing to work hard to do so. Now I need to get off my butt and ask for help because I’m drowning again.
I thought that four years of work had brought me out of most of this but I guess not. I’m not strong enough yet to face what life throws at me and not want to go screaming in the other direction or let it steam roll over me so that it can end faster.
I want to love my life the way that I once did and that is why I’m going to get some help.