tea contemplations, finding hope


I woke up this morning with a scratch in my throat, a bump in my brain and a break in my heart. The tea is doing its best to calm my ragged nerves, the pumpernickel and marmalade are staving off nausea. No it’s not pregnancy or a hang over, it’s just my life. Which of late I am not handling so well.

How do you know when its time to ask for help? When do you realize the that issues in your life span beyond what you are able to cope with? Why do I not choose these things before they reach such high levels of tension? I don’t have answers for these questions. If I did I wouldn’t be using my tea to nurse a head ache from crying too long, or a mental pep talk to get me out of my pajamas.

I don’t want sympathy or someone else to “fix” my life, I would just like to understand it for five minuets and not feel so overwhelmed all the time. It seems the vast majority of my life has been spent worrying about one thing or another. I think there was a brief moment in college when I was just a student and didn’t really think about much else, and I remember being happy.

Since then, marriage, owning a home and career limbo have changed that sunny view. So why are you listening to me whine? I’m not sure, only that my intention is not to whine but to try to understand how I got here. I want to fix the things in my life and myself that don’t work. I’m willing to work hard to do so. Now I need to get off my butt and ask for help because I’m drowning again.

I thought that four years of work had brought me out of most of this but I guess not. I’m not strong enough yet to face what life throws at me and not want to go screaming in the other direction or let it steam roll over me so that it can end faster.

I want to love my life the way that I once did and that is why I’m going to get some help.


8 responses »

  1. Amanda, I was touched by your story. I think that so many people I know,self included, could’ve signed their names to your post!

    I think you’ve got at least one thing right here which is that you have to fix you…

    You’ll have to do the work, I just hope that you find someone who can help guide you!

  2. I’m in a similar boat. You are not alone in this. I can’t offer help but I can offer an ear if ever you need one. Love you.

    • Thanks, it has been so much more than i ever dreamed I’d have to deal with. And I know it sounds lame but its Christmas and somehow that makes all of it so much worse. But… I am rallying the troops and hiring a consultant for my life. So maybe things won’t feel so bleak.

  3. You have my ears and my heart, always and forever, and anything else you need as well. Just say the word. I know, beyond all else, that you are capable of surmounting whatever mountains stand before you. It’s never easy, and I am certainly no expert- I always know I’m just one disaster away from falling apart- but I know there’s always another shore on the other side, and you’ve got what it takes to get there. Even if slowly.

  4. You have had an awully lot of change in yourlife since September. You hardly got your feet on the groun in Virginia and I asked you to come and be with me..and you came…at great personal cost, because emotions delayed must eventually be dealt with [I have some of that myself.] And yes, the holidays do make it feel worse.

    If you feel the need to reenter counseling…then go for it. You know what you need and should act on it. Know that I will always hold you in my prayers and know that God does desire a peaceful and joy-filled life for you. But you must be brave enough to reach out and grab it.

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