Begin again


I heard this song driving to GA from VA (see below) and it made me think about what I want from my life right now . I would love to say that I am “happy” but that doesn’t seem accurate enough. I’m breathing and working and “okay” but I’m not happy. It is a strange place to be changing my life and waiting to see if some visage from the past will return.

My days are filled up with work, work that keeps me from thinking about the missing pieces in my heart. My amazing friends help me to laugh and remember that I’m alive, but there is still a hole that they are incapable of filling. A hole that  I am afraid to look into lest I fall in and not be able to climb back out.

But if  the past four years have taught me anything, it’s that hiding rarely works for long and over time the thing you are avoiding gets bigger. So I find myself in a strange place. I want to have a home, a place to feel safe, that I can stay for a long time. But I also want it to be in the right time and way. I don’t want to rush changes in my life just to say they are accomplished. I want to know that I chose this path and I will not regret the choices that I am making.

So…I’m going to work on being a little more alive this week and less on auto-pilot. Who knows what I might find out about myself and my new state.


3 responses »

  1. Limbo. That state where nothing can possibly be good, but it’s not really terrible. Waiting, hanging in the void, spinning your wheels but not going anywhere… and not really knowing where you’d want to go if you could. That’s where it seems you’re at, and it’s not fun. It can be really hard to ‘live’ in that space, when you’re unsure of anything except of what hurts too much. You’re so smart to know that you need to try, though, rather than just drifting along. Grab onto the things that make you happy. Hold tight to the anchors in your life, and one day soon you’ll be able to find your traction and your joy again.

  2. I thought this was a great post, really moving. I don’t know what the ‘hole/void’ is in your life but maybe take your focus off it a little..? When we have a situation, focusing on the here and now creates space and this is the magical moment when change usually enters. So, focus on all the good around you, live for the moment, welcome new opportunities and you’ll find happiness eventually. Best wishes x

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