I heard this song driving to GA from VA (see below) and it made me think about what I want from my life right now . I would love to say that I am “happy” but that doesn’t seem accurate enough. I’m breathing and working and “okay” but I’m not happy. It is a strange place to be changing my life and waiting to see if some visage from the past will return.
My days are filled up with work, work that keeps me from thinking about the missing pieces in my heart. My amazing friends help me to laugh and remember that I’m alive, but there is still a hole that they are incapable of filling. A hole that I am afraid to look into lest I fall in and not be able to climb back out.
But if the past four years have taught me anything, it’s that hiding rarely works for long and over time the thing you are avoiding gets bigger. So I find myself in a strange place. I want to have a home, a place to feel safe, that I can stay for a long time. But I also want it to be in the right time and way. I don’t want to rush changes in my life just to say they are accomplished. I want to know that I chose this path and I will not regret the choices that I am making.
So…I’m going to work on being a little more alive this week and less on auto-pilot. Who knows what I might find out about myself and my new state.