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Over all I was having a good weekend and then last night a heard a song on the radio driving to a friend’s house. Suddenly all the “busyness” was stripped away and for a moment I was left staring at how I really feel about my relationship or lack of it. I didn’t expect to cry, I didn’t expect the feeling to linger over me all evening. I guess I underestimated how well I can hide.

In my own defense I have been trying to make a life here and that takes time and effort and I have been genuinely happy but there is a coroner in my life where nothing makes sense and almost everything hurts. It is hard to let myself have the good when that piece is so disjointed.

But I also know that the only way for me to heal is to let myself have some measure of happiness.   I can no longer afford to have my happiness tied up in the wreckage that is this relationship. I’m not saying that I’m throwing in the towel but some healthy distance is necessary considering there has been nothing but pain for a while. And though I’m willing to wait there is an expiration date on that sentiment.

I will not live like this forever, I deserve better. I guess that is why the song hurt so much. She is making her choice and I am not there yet but I completely understand. It is difficult to see yourself in spaces you never dreamed you would be in. It is harder still to see the people I love finding ways to over come and not having that myself.

It makes me wonder why I ended up here- waiting to start over. I’m not going to lie, based on all the evidence I have very little hope that this will turn out in any way that is “good” for me but maybe that is the lesson. I can’t save everything, I can’t make it better and some times walking away is more loving to yourself than getting beaten up one more time.

I wish I had the answers, I wish that I could know because then I could begin to move on with my life one way or another. But life is not like that, so I’m here remembering how to breathe, to laugh and smile, believe in myself again while I wait. One day I will be strong again, I will believe in me again and I will choose differently.

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2 responses »

  1. I spent last night sitting on the floor in a corner of Borders, reading a book called Contemplating Divorce by Susan Pease Gadoua, and furiously taking notes. Every situation has it’s ups and downs, and some days are better than others. It’s a great book, believe it or not. It helped calm me down and really think.

    I also recommend listening to Alanis Morrissette’s song “Not as We,” although please don’t do it while you are driving. In fact, be sure you are alone and are in the right frame of mind to receive the lyrics. I bawled over it for days but sometimes that is what we need.

    I’m so sorry for your situation. You deserve nothing but happiness, and love, and warmth.

  2. You WILL heal. You WILL be strong again. You WILL find the joy and happiness you struggle so much to find right now. You WILL one day wake up and realize that you’re standing at the top of a hill looking back at the low, muddy place you’ve been in and that you’re not there any more. I promise.

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