You could say that the journey of my life has been about self-love/ choosing me. I have never been the kid of person who would demand to have things my way or even speak up very much if I am uncomfortable. This has led to many situations where I find myself feeling unhappy and mistreated. It would b e unfair to blame the people who facilitated these situations without looking at my own part in it.
I find my self now on unfamiliar ground daily I am confronted with way to “choose me” or chooses to make people happy. Often I find myself wanting to give in and let them be happy but them I wonder “at what cost.” When do I become valuable enough to come first? When does my well-being matter as much as everyone else.
I know for some of you out there this is a no brainer but for me its a struggle. I want the people I care about to be happy to be okay and for a long time that meant it didn’t matter what happened to me to make that happen but now I can’t afford to be so careless with myself.
A few years ago it got to the point where I was in serious mental and physical danger- I was very suicidal. I got in to therapy and shorted out a lot of stuff but the need to make people happy/comfortable is still there. There are times when I stare it down and say ” I need to love me right now, I have to make myself more important.” But I find these are quite literally the moments in my life where if I didn’t do that something really bad could happen to me.
So how do I translate that into every day life? How to I learn to “pick me” first? I don’t know but I”m walking the bumpy road to learning how. My life is so up and down right now that sometimes the kindest thing I can do for myself is cut out more drama and stress. I have the energy to focus on one day at a time so that’s what I’m doing.