Choosing me

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You could say that the journey of my life has been about self-love/ choosing me. I have never been the kid of person who would demand to have things my way or even speak up very much if I am uncomfortable. This has led to many situations where I find myself feeling unhappy and mistreated. It would b e unfair to blame the people who facilitated these situations without looking at my own part in it.

I find my self now on unfamiliar ground daily I am confronted with way to “choose me” or chooses to make people happy. Often I find myself wanting to give in and let them be happy but them I wonder “at what cost.” When do I become valuable enough to come first? When does my well-being matter as much as everyone else.

I know for some of you out there this is a no brainer but for me its a struggle. I want the people I care about to be happy to be okay and for a long time that meant it didn’t matter what happened to me to make that happen but now I can’t afford to be so careless with myself.

A few years ago it got to the point where I was in serious mental and physical danger- I was very suicidal. I got in to therapy and shorted out a lot of stuff but the need to make people happy/comfortable is still there. There are times when I stare it down and say ” I need to love me right now, I have to make myself more important.” But I find  these are  quite literally the moments in my life where if I didn’t do that something really bad could happen to me.

So how do I translate that into every day life? How to I learn to “pick me” first? I don’t know but I”m walking the bumpy road to learning how. My life is so up and down right now that sometimes the kindest thing I can do for myself is cut out more drama and stress.  I have the energy to focus on one day at a time so that’s what I’m doing.

 

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5 responses »

  1. Amanda, I’m so sorry to hear how you’ve been feeling, you must have been right at rock-bottom. But what I see (between your despair) is someone who is creating a new and better life – you’ve moved home, got a new job straight away and your new life has already started. Just stay on course, you’re doing great!

    You are right to want some ‘me’ time, never lose sight of who you are. As for knowing the right thing to say to people, I think it depends on your environment. Whilst you are working for someone else, to a certain extent I think you have to go along with things, bite your tongue and be polite – it pays your wages. Unlike me, I work for myself and just recently I’ve had to be a bit ruthless with clients because my laid-back attitude was causing me problems, people weren’t respecting me. I’ve recently updated my business terms and not a single person has disputed it – I now see myself as a professional and expect to be treated likewise.

    A boss once said to me that you teach people how to treat you. I’ve never forgotten that, so just make sure that if you don’t want to be treated like a doormat (and this is just an example, not an observation), don’t behave like one.

    I’d really like you to write a happy post. Even during these dark times I’d like to bet something has made you smile or laugh, it could have been a comment, a TV show, or just a memory that you treasure. Go on, share it….Focus on the good and positive and you’ll feel so much better when you hit the ‘send’ button.

    You’ve come a long way recently. It’s hard to make the transition from one life to another, I’ve done it, I know. So take your time, don’t be in a rush to impress everyone. I think most people around you are probably impressed already because you’ve been so brave, it takes some guts to start a new life.

    So cheers Amanda! I’m raising a glass of wine to celebrate a much happier 2011 for you.

    • thank you so much for the encouragement. I just spent the weekend with my mom and my sister and I laughed a lot, now I am sitting at the kitchen table with my bf making jewelery and don’t worry I’ll blog all about it. Thanks for reminding me that there are still wonderful moments to be celebrated along with the rest.

  2. Empathy is hard wired into us.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirror_neuron

    For me, it’s been hard balancing empathy for others with looking after myself. I found it helpful to acknowledge that part of what I’m struggling with is biological.

    Thank you for writing this post. Your clarity and honesty are wonderful.

  3. For me (and I’m only just learning some of this as well) it’s about seeing that I have talents, abilities, and simply intrinsic value. If the people around me have value simply because they are people, don’t I deserve the same treatment? So, shouldn’t I treat myself with the same patience, love, forgiveness, respect and generosity I’ve been taught to treat others with? It’s a paradigm shift for those of us who grew up hearing the Golden Rule of “treat others as you would want to be treated,” but it’s true.

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