I have been hesitant, careful and respectful when talking about my personal life on this blog. But you’re smart readers and the fact that I’m living with my best friend in GA and not in Virgina any more pretty much somes-up where my marriage has gone.
But now I find myself in a strange place I never expected to be. We all know the story: find the one fall in love, stay that way till you die. But what happens when it doesn’t go that way? How do you start over, when everything you knew about your life had that other person in the picture?
I should make it clear that I don’t mean I want things the way they were- not that, that would happen- but it has been a very long time since I imagined life souly for myself. The things I want to do, go , be, live. There was always a “we” attached to all of those things before and now I am back to an “I” feeling quiet disoriented.
I know that I will go back to teaching (so get ready for blogs about teenagers!) but I don’t know where I will land or what my life will look like, all I know is there is this desperate need in my to get on with it. I have lived the past two years of my life in an excruciating limbo and now that it is decided, I would really like to get on with my life. But one must make plans, find a job and then move.
So in that spirit I brushed up my resume and started looking at jobs. I am inclined to move west though I am not set on any one place. I just know that I need to start over away from things that remind me of the past 4 1/2 yrs. I need to meet people who only know me and not the back story.
I miss my things, I miss living my life that way that I want to: doing yoga every day, meditating, letting my cats roam and being a vegetarian. I know that in time these things will come to me again. But right now it is frustrating, not because of anything but me. It hurts to be around happy people and I don’t want to be the kill-joy that becomes a bitter shrew but it is the reality of where I am. I hate that my sole security- mentally and emotionally- is a job that I don’t care about but is good for me right now.
I keep thinking to myself that there has to be something better than this. I didn’t go through hell to hide, I want to live, really live again and right now I feel half alive. I walk though my days numbly, remembering a time when I was real, the sun was bright and I knew who I was. It has been so long and now that I stand on the edge of finding that me again it is hard to wait for all the pieces to fall into place.
But the wiser part of me knows that to rush this change would be like leaving the cocoon to soon. I have to let my wings grow to their full potential before I go falling off my twig. So here’s to stretching my wings, looking at the sun and knowing that soon I will fly, soon I will be ready.