Frustration- not yet

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I have been hesitant, careful and respectful when talking about my personal life on this blog. But you’re smart readers and the fact that I’m living with my best friend in GA and not in Virgina any more pretty much somes-up where my marriage has gone.

But now I find myself in a strange place I never expected to be. We all know the story: find the one fall in love, stay that way till you die. But what happens when it doesn’t go that way? How do you start over, when everything you knew about your life had that other person in the picture?

I should make it clear that I don’t mean I want things the way they were- not that, that would happen- but it has been a very long time since I imagined life souly for myself. The things I want to do, go , be, live. There was always a “we” attached to all of those things before and now I am back to an “I” feeling quiet disoriented.

I know that I will go back to teaching (so get ready for blogs about teenagers!) but I don’t know where I will land or what my life will look like, all I know is there is this desperate need in my to get on with it. I have lived the past two years of my life in an excruciating limbo and now that it is decided, I would really like to get on with my life. But one must make plans, find a job and then move.

So in that spirit I brushed up my resume and started looking at jobs. I am inclined to move west though I am not set on any one place. I just know that I need to start over away from things that remind me of the past 4 1/2 yrs. I need to meet people who only know me and not the back story.

I miss my things, I miss living my life that way that I want to: doing yoga every day, meditating, letting my cats roam and being a vegetarian. I know that in time these things will come to me again. But right now it is frustrating, not because of anything but me. It hurts to be around happy people and I don’t want to be the kill-joy that becomes a bitter shrew but it is the reality of where I am. I hate that my sole security- mentally and emotionally- is a job that I don’t care about but is good for me right now.

I keep thinking to myself that there has to be something better than this. I didn’t go through hell to hide, I want to live, really live again and right now I feel half alive. I walk though my days numbly, remembering a time when I was real, the sun was bright and I knew who I was. It has been so long and now that I stand on the edge of finding that me again it is hard to wait for all the pieces to fall into place.

But the wiser part of me knows that to rush this change would be like leaving the cocoon to soon. I have to let my wings grow to their full potential before I go falling off my twig. So here’s to stretching my wings, looking at the sun and knowing that soon I will fly, soon I will be ready.

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5 responses »

  1. So poignant and so true. Every divorcee has gone through some form of “Who am I? What now?” I don’t know that there’s any formula for answering those questions, and no set time-line for when it all should fall into place. You’re right that you shouldn’t rush; the pace has to move you forward and still let you honor the emotions you need to process. Everyone does that differently. I’m so proud of you for being open, brave, and smart about all of this. You leave me in awe every time we talk.

  2. Hi Amanda, you must think I’m an interfering so-and-so but I can’t help reading your blogs and wanting to respond, please take anything I say with a pinch of salt…

    When I read this, a couple of things jumped out at me. In your second paragraph you talked about someone else being in the picture. I think ‘picture’ is a key word here and maybe you’ve not painted your new picture yet of your new life? What would that picture look like apart from you being a teacher and moving west? Paint the picture you want to see (I don’t mean literally but at least imagine it) and then work towards creating it.

    Also, don’t hurt being around happy people, be happy for them and happiness will come your way in return. I know it’s hard but I’d rather be around happy people than miserable ones even if my life was upside-down (which it has, many times).

    It sounds like you’ve made a positive start with your resume, doing things with intention brings changes – guaranteed!

    I agree that some things should not be rushed and perhaps you’re still a little too fragile and emotionally bruised yet to make big changes (although I think you’ve took massive steps forward since I’ve been reading your blog). Why not set yourself some goals? Ask yourself where do you see yourself this time next year? What will you need to do in order to achieve that? What resources have you got, how will you fund it?

    Write it down, or like I said earlier – paint the picture. I did exactly this some years ago when I needed to change my life. I worked out a ‘time-line’ of events and by doing so it has helped me stay focused on my goals, oh and changed my life too for the better!

    Good luck and if you want me to shut up, just say so!

    • Not at all, in fact several people have said similar things to me in regards to where I am right now. And I think you’re all right. More than surviving I need to find the life that is best for me. And that means letting myself be expansive and dream for a while about what “I” really want and what would make me happiest. I love your advise and thoughts don’t you dare stop commenting.

      Thanks
      Manda

  3. The Sacrament of Letting Go
    by Macrina Wiedekehr

    Slowly
    she celebrated the sacrament of letting go.
    First she surrendered her green,
    then the orange, yellow, and red.
    finally she let go of her own brown.
    Shedding her last leaf
    she stood empty and silent, stripped bare.
    Leaning against the winter sky,
    she began her vigil of trust.

    Shedding her last leaf,
    she watched it journey to the ground.
    She stood in silence
    wearing the colors of emptiness,
    her branches wondering,
    How do you give shade with so much gone?

    And then,
    the sacrament of waiting began.
    The sunrise and the sunset watched with tenderness.
    Clothing her with silhouettes
    that kept her hope alive.

    They helped her to understand that
    her vulnerability,
    her dependence and need,
    her emptiness, her readiness to receive,
    were giving her a new kind of Beauty.
    Every morning and every evening they stood in silence,
    and celebrated together
    the sacrament of waiting.

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