The thought came to me this morning that I feel lighter, I feel better but the only thing that has changed is that I have a purpose now, I have a goal. This made me think about this shift and how many times in my life it has been something so simple that changed everything.
When I was in high school my goal was to graduate with a high enough GPA to pay my way through college and I made it. But in the mean time it kept me focused and not trashing my grades.
In college I wanted to learn, more than anything else I reveled in new ideas and images (art major), the ability to express as much or as little as I wanted to. This embracing took me far and introduced me to people and things that I will always remember.
When applying for my first “real” job my only thought was “not Florida” ( I had spent the past 9 years of my life there and wanted some thing new) so I threw the new wide and ended up in NM on a Navajo reservation. That experience changed my life and the teacher I would become.
I fumble though those first years of teaching with the thought in my mind, that if I loved my students I would be a better teacher, that goal never failed me in 7 yrs of teaching and helped me reach some “unreachable kids.”
When I realized I wanted to take time off teaching to write I knew that I had to be open to the possibility that it might all be for nothing but my own gratification, that the publishing industry is not and easy sell. That realistic view helped me to move in ways that made sense and not over extend or crush me when that dream had to be put aside.
Now I am once again choosing as we all do. I am deciding what my future could look like and this time I’m swinging the doors even wider. I don’t know what kind of job I will find or where I will be but I know that I am going to find them in the right time and place.
But while I wait, I get to experience the joy of hunting. The exhilaration of knowing there are lots of choices and I get to choose. I want to thank all of you who have been so encouraging and challenging. It means so much that you would comfort and not let me wallow. That you know where I am and are standing on the other side saying you can more than do this. It makes the moments of insecurity and fear do-able.
So here I go off to find my new place in this wonderful world.