I’m back…

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The past few weeks have been a bit crazy. I moved out of my best friends house and into a co-workers house. It has been a good change for me. My best friend had a death in the family and they needed my room for family.

It seems like a small change moving from one place to another but I feel more relaxed and like I have more choices here. Of course the dynamic is totally different. I went from living with a married couple who know me very well, to a girl my age who is an acquaintance. I like being a “roommate,” and being on even ground with the person that I am living with. It is nice to come and go as I please with no other obligations.

That said there is something about always having someone to talk to that I will miss and this new independenceĀ  is teaching me to do things I never would have before. Like go to the movies by myself. Laura (my room-mate) teases me about it but I’m really proud of myself. For years I didn’t do the things that I wanted to because my husband didn’t want to do them, so now I’m working on doing things for myself.

I am a little torn about the whole moving in June and were/ what I will be doing. I am beginning to feel like maybe I shouldn’t rush off just yet. (warning personal crap) I thought I was doing fine but then I got several emails from my husband and it sent me into a tail spin. I wanted to believe that I was doing fine and “getting on” with my life but the reality is I’m still holding my breath. Not that we will get back together but to see how bad that aftermath will be, how much more will I have to pay in emotional time and financial strain before this all ends. And I realized that maybe I’m not ready to move across the US just yet.

Living with Laura has made me think about how my life here “could” be. Me working my little job living in an apartment with my two cats, figuring out how to be me again. I wonder if this is not the kinder option, instead of going far away to lick my wounds were no one knows me. At the same time it is hard to be here and have everyone quietly expecting me to “be” a certain way. Some people want me to rage and cry and throw a fit about all this, others want me to talk and talk and talk about it. It seems it doesn’t matter that I am choosing to deal with this in my own way and time, there is always someone waiting to tell me I”m doing it wrong.

I don’t really know what to say to those people except, I’m doing the best I can, in the best way I know how. Most of them have never been divorced.

But that is enough about that. Since moving I have been doing yoga three times a week and walking twice a week, eating mostly vegetarian and feeling much better. I am realizing how important morning quiet time and exercise is to making my day better. It’s not about being fit, it is about starting my day with focus and love for myself. I feel better at the end of the day, when I start it off with a quiet heart and mind.

Well I think I have rambled on long enough for now. I will do my best to get back up to speed with the daily writing but it might take a few days to find my groove.

Thanks for all the kind words, love and support. It is encouraging to know my words do not fall on deaf ears.

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3 responses »

  1. Wow, that was a very powerful and heartfelt post! All I can say is keep moving forward as you are, and in your own time.

    I understand a lot of what you say, I’ve been through a divorce too and now I’m stuck with a husband who doesn’t really notice me and I spend a lot of time doing things on my own because we are so separate in this ‘marriage’.

    I accept my situation, for now, and so I try not to complain. I do want a better future though but the time is not right to move on and I do believe that I am destined to be single – I won’t ever get married again!

    Enjoy your ‘me’ time, it will keep you focused and calm. You seem to have moved from pillar to post quite a bit recently so you just enjoy whatever it is that makes you happy, and don’t be in too much of a rush to discover yourself, you’ve got all the time in the world.

    Big hugs from Lancashire, England.

  2. I’m so glad you’re enjoying the change you’ve made to the new roomie’s house. That’s good news. And, of course you’re not done with the emotional strain and the ups and downs associated with it…but the only way is to deal with it (as you said) your way and in your time. I say, feel how you feel, and show it how you want to, whenever you want. It’s your heart and soul that needs to heal, and no one can tell you how to do that “right.” There honestly isn’t a ‘right’ way anyway. Whatever works for you is right, as long as you’re being honest with yourself about where you are and how you feel, and thinking about what will be best for you in the long run. I’ll be back in the area soon, and I certainly won’t mind having you nearby for a while. But I’m still keeping the calendar open for that cross-country move, too. I know you’ll do what’s best for you, no matter what you ultimately decide. You’re awesome like that.

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