I have spent the past 5 months waiting to see how my life would change and turn. I knew it was unlikely that it would remain the same but giving up that life was so much harder than anything I have ever been through. But now as the last embers fade I look at whats left and find myself surprised.
I have a job, a place to stay and my two cats. That is a good place to start but my heart wants more than mere existing. I miss creating, I miss adventure, I miss trusting myself enough to try. So here I go off into the world of finding me…again. In a way it is funny because I spent the better part of three years in therapy working on my issues. And I know that I would not be doing so well if not for all that work in session and on the yoga mat.
But how do you let yourself dream a new life? For a while I told myself that I wasn’t staying so I intentionally avoided getting to know people and making any connections with this place. But now that I have decided to stay my world is shifting again. I live with a really easy-going girl and for the first time in my life no one care what I’m doing. There are no lectures, pregnant pauses or disappointed looks. And at this juncture in my life I need that ability to stumble my way through this as each day finds me. That is not to say I’m reckless with abandon but I have bad days too and its high time I started admitting it. No one expects that level of accommodation accept me.
So why is she going on and on about this? Because I am making some changes for the good. Yesterday I finally got around to researching yoga studios (not many) and gyms in the area. Then I went and checked out my local YMCA, they have a really nice one here and I ended up joining. Then I looked into places of worship and there are a couple of possibilities.
I am eating better and trying to be conscious of my choices. I have a friend coming for the holiday weekend but not until Monday so I think I am going on an over night trip just for me. I haven’t taken any photos since I have been here and for me that is quite telling. But it has also been the truth, it hurt too much to look at all the beautiful things around me when my life was such a mess. Now that doors are closing and I am choosing there is room for light and the loveliness of the world again.
So here’s to choosing to “really” live again and not sleep walk through my life.