When I was in are school I was always drawn to things with perfect or near perfect symmetry. There is something about four corners and two halves that speaks of deep grounding and balance. Still my teachers tried ardently to express the idea that a triangular (3) formation or the “X” of five was visually more simulating. Over time I have come to understand this concept and the inherent direction or movement that is implied but the odd numbers, but I am still drawn to the balanced, even more.
Why? Do you ask am I on some esoteric rant about visual balance? I am aware that in life we have many reflections of truth around us all the time and for me this is a truth about myself: I long for a balanced, quiet life. I find it interesting that though this longing has been so dominant, my life has rarely resembled it. I moved a lot as a small child. I went to two different high schools. I moved three times during college and have stayed no more than four years in any place since then. Don’t worry, I find all of this perplexing myself and it causes me to wonder…
It is the place that make you feel at home? Or is it possible that my life is playing the 3/5 so that my heart can know that it is my 2/4? The more I grow and stretch, the more I believe this is so. If my life were clam and stable to the point of stagnation would I have ever gotten here? Some of the best moments of my life happened on the wings of change, distinct parts of myself would have laid dormant or withered had I not been forced open doors I thought were nailed shut.
So her I stand in a 3/5 place again. I know what my life will look like for the next year or so but after that…I can see a life for myself again where I understand where I am going and who I chose to be, but its frightening. I question how much of me is real. I spent years trying to make the 3/5 become a 2/4 and only caused myself a lot of pain. Now that I know my life is unlikely to ever be the 2/4 I long for, the responsibility falls squarely on my shoulders to make my inner life what my outer life is not.
I must be brave enough to seek my own truth. To rediscover the person that I was and find out what she has in common with the person I am now. It feels like there is a vast divide between the two but this is my work. There is no one in this life who can do this for me and the longer I run the longer I leave my whole life in that 3/5 state of ambiguity and imbalance. So starting today I will be more mindful of my choices. I will choose to nurture myself, instead of self medicate. I will learn to be quiet again and trust the voices in my heart. I will let myself love and be loved.