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I am walking through a world of numbness,

Lost between grief and fear.

I hear myself calling from the other side

But I cannot reach me.

 

All the dreams I so carefully placed,

All the bravado people believed, were lies.

I am not doing well, I have not learned to cope,

I have learned to be silent and smile.

 

It is apparent, in this moment without distractions

That my life is still empty, that my heart has not healed.

I question my own ability to thrive

And the desire to do so.

 

Where is the girl I left behind?

Where is the woman confident in her purpose?

Where is the wonder my life held long before I met you?

From where I stand they are but dying embers.

 

How do I rekindle my dreams,

Do I let them burn to cold ash, hoping that something new will come?

Do I follow old dreams and see if there is any life left in them?

Do I let them pass, fearing the consequence of choice?

 

There are no answers but the ones in my bruised heart and battered mind.

I don’t remember how to be kind to myself,

I don’t remember what is it to love myself.

I survive, trying to breathe and sleep at night.

 

A S 2011

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4 responses »

  1. All the answers are within yourself. Don’t remain a victim, stay that survivor and focus on the new life you can offer yourself. You’ve done some amazing things since I’ve been reading your blog and I’m full of admiration for you, despite what you think I reckon you’ve grown immensely as a person. Stop chasing the old you but tell us about the new you and all your hopes and aspirations….

    • Thanks, I know that how I feel right now is just for a moment and there is a huge part of me that is pissed that I and still having to deal with this a year after it happened. But that doesn’t mean I have to feel defeated or give up. I think I just had a really tough week and instead of cutting myself a little slack and taking time to love on me I tried to charge on and that only made things worse. I have to work on that. Thanks for the honesty, I needed it.

  2. Some days it feels like two steps forward and three steps back…or you simply turn a bend and realize what a long way yet you still have to go. But you’re going, and what is ahead will be worth the effort. I have to believe that for all of us…and my soul knows it’s true.

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