I have realized that over the past 6 months or so I have done a lot of surviving and not a lot of living. I wish that I could say that it was necessary but I’m awake enough to realize that a good bit of it is hiding. So the question is what do I do about it?
I know that I could continue to live this life and get by but that is not what I want. I miss the passion in my life about work and creativity. I miss being bold and going places and doing things because I want to with or with out people.
I have used the excuse too long that I don’t know anything about this town or the surrounding area. All it takes to remedy that is gas and the GPS. I have come to realize that I am afraid to feel. Being an emotional person most of my life this feels odd but it is the only explanation for many of the things I have let happen.
I don’t “make” anything right now. I love photography and haven’t taken picture in month, it has been even longer since I picked up a pencil or a paint brush. I have written but it’s so easy to escape feelings in the esoteric meanings of words. It is not so easy to evade color, beauty or the memories linked to smell. Once I came to this realization I was shocked that I have spent months choosing not to feel.
That is not to say that I haven’t ranted or cried but I feel something deeper lurking just beyond the emotions I know I cn control. It makes me stop conversations and stay out of my study. I know that I need to address it and love myself through it but I seem to chicken out every time I feel it coming to the surface. I don’t want to be one of those people who hides in other words and yet here I am, reading books and watching tv instead of engaging myself.
So how do I break the pattern? How do I reach out to myself in a way that feels safe? By making a list.
Things to do this weekend and next week:
- Cook all of my own food- on some very base level this is taking care of me.
- TV no more that 1 hr per day- I need to play in the real word
- Wake up every day @ 7am and use that hour doing something that is meaningful to me (blogging, praying, exercising)
- Go outside!!! Even just a walk down the st.
- Find a place in town that I want to go to and go there.
- Make a list of all my unfinished art projects and work on one.
- Take my camera anywhere and use it.
Some of you may wonder “what is the point in a list if you don’t do those things?” Well for me getting my thoughts together in some form and out of my head always helps. Also having a record so when I find myself in those unhappy prone to numbness moments there is a plan.
I want to thank those of you who have been encouraging me to be less of a victim and more of a survivor. Thank you for you words directly and through your writing. I know that I will get my head out of the sand and rediscover what makes my life amazing.