self induced coma

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I sit in my chair reflecting quietly,

And the smile for the sunshine and morning well spent fades

And it is hard to breathe.

My cat sleeps under my comforter, a warning of my mood.

I do not call, I am so sick of my own voice.

I want them to believe I am happy, well.

But for some unknown reason I am lost, broken again.

I do not have the energy to hate myself for this indulgence.

I morn nothing, I hate nothing,

And there is nothing but pain where my heart used to be.

I feel joy in fleeting moments and run from beauty;

Anything that could wake my heart from its sleep.

And yet, it dreams, of love and happiness and peace.

But in my waking world these dreams feel like nightmares.

And what sain person feels like that?

AS 2011

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4 responses »

  1. i have moments when i’m happy, and moments when i literally want to run away from the world, pretend that i do not exist, because it is too painful. It makes me feel like a crazy person, like a split personality sometimes. Yuo are going through something so traumatic, and everyone is different, so who’s to say how any of us should act? Do whatever it is you need to do to keep breathing and someday you wont have to try so hard. I love you so much sweetie, and I am here for you – or not – whatever you need me to be I will be it, as I am able to. And know that we will not take offense if you need time away from everyone. We all need that sometimes.

  2. Do more and think less Amanda and always look for the positives even if they are fleeting moments.

  3. As unhealthy as it sounds, sometimes you need to let yourself drift into a coma for a little while. Sometimes that deep and ugly acknowledgement of the pain is needed in order to free you from it’s lasting grip. When you ignore it or try to just “put it all behind you” it just rears its ugly head ages later, when you least expect it. Keep breathing. I love you.

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