What I’ve been up to

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I know I have been quiet for a while. It’s not that I haven’t thought about the blog or haven’t had things to say. But I have found (over the past year or so) that it is best to write after a situation is resolved, so I have some perspective, instead of in the thrall of the moment. It can become a serious TMI in a heart beat.

That said, it is a little calmer now and I think I am beginning to see what my life might be like on the other side. At this point what I am dealing with is all me, the rest has been resolved, salted and burned never to resurrect itself again. But there are a lot of questions I have for myself about who I am, who I’m not, who I want to be and how the heck I got this way.

Example, I used to be a bold-ish, laugh all the time, a shiny, happy type of person. I knew what I was good at and had confidence in those abilities. Now I am afraid to laugh, to let anything good in (not because I don’t think I deserve it) because I don’t want to feel how much it hurts that she (the happy girl) was in a coma and is now trying to wake. I want to really live again, to let myself love my life again and stop being afraid that at any moment my life will fall like cards. So I have set out on a mission to find what I love and try my best to hold on to it even if I’m terrified.

In that spirit I have taken up two new ways to challenge and make my life more colorful. I have always wanted to learn to play a musical instrument. So I bought a bamboo flute (above) and am going for it. I love the sound and it is helping me to learn music instead of just sight-read. Also I look forward to doing something soothing after 8 hour of computer screens (I have three) and stat order after stat order.

The second is so out of character for me that I shocked myself when I took it on and then continued with classes. I am learning two different Latin dances. Bachata (slow/sexy) and Salsa (fast/challenging). I never would have said that I wanted to dance, liked to dance or had the self-confidence to get out there and just have fun. But I find myself practicing in the living room and I just bought my fist pair of “real” dance shoes. Who knew your needed felt to turn properly?

Last night I went to a local restaurant the hosts a Latin night to meet up with some of my classmates and practice in a “non-class” environment. Let me say that at the best of times I don’t like rooms full of strangers, add to that performance anxiety and I could have spent the night on the bench. But my teachers and class mates are so wonderful and made me laugh at myself and get out there anyway. I ended up having a good time and even ran into a co-worker while I was there.

It is interesting that dance lets me learn to trust parts of myself that I haven’t before and I like the person I am when I’m dancing. There is so much of who I used to be and how I used to feel about myself that lives in this hazy place called the past. But when I work on music or dance, it is something that I am doing for me, in the now and has no ties to any of that. And that is liberating. I know that I will sing and draw and inspire young people again someday. But for now they are the field lying dormant, waiting to be fertile again and while they rest I will explore the other pasture newly cleared and full of possibility.

 

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4 responses »

  1. Yay, yay, yay for exploration and waking up. Sometimes it hurts (like when your arm is asleep and you have to shake it awake) and sometimes it’s sweet (like that delicious moment on a Saturday morning when you wake up and know it’s early, that you have the whole day, and it’s yours to do with as you please) but either way that waking up brings new life, a new day. I love you. I can’t wait to see you dance!!

  2. Thanks, I feel like I’m really embracing the waking up even though it scares me. I got up and did yoga this morning and for the first time in a while it didn’t hurt my hart. There was just me, the cats and the sunrise, and it was beautiful. That is how I want my life to be. Simple, filled with light and peace.

  3. Thumbs up for embracing change. Although it is difficult to work on these changes, you will get used to it eventually. I admire your guts to have these changes implemented within you. I have difficulty having one. Maybe I just lack discipline and determination to achieve the change that I wanted.

    • Thank you. But don’t be so hard on yourself. You have to be ready to make changes. You have to understand why your not making them before you can do that. It took a long time for me to accept that my life would never go back to what it was and then that I was not the person who lived that life any more. I didn’t want to accept that I was in some ways responsible for the things that happened and needed to see that to prevent a repeat. And all of that took the better part of a year and a half. Then one day I woke up (a little) and decided surviving was not enough, it was not living. I spent two whole weeks driving by the dance studio before I have enough nerve to go in and ask about classes. But I did. Though fear may make me hesitate its not going to stop me any longer from really living. If you feel that desire in you to do something better fore yourself, to challenge yourself all you need to do is look at what it is you are letting stop you. I had too many voices telling me all kinds of mean things and I had to silence and challenge them one at a time until I could hear the real me says, “yeah we are lazy sometimes- but you can hick for 4 hour in a rain forest up hill…so you get shy in in crowds- that never stopped you from making 25 teenagers learn and laugh.” Our minds want us to see one side of our selves and we have to work to remember we are more and there are things we can do that we never would have if we had listened only to those voices. I hope you find it within you to peruse the goals and dreams you have for yourself.

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