Work- that’s an easy one. You come you go, no real reason to “over share” except that I work with my best friend and a girl that I used to live with for three months. But in my mind everyone is expendable except my best friend and we don’t really talk at work becasue “people are listening.”
Friends- a little dicier. To begin with let me make clearify my definition of a “friend” and then you may understand me better. If I have known them more than five years, they actually know me (a much harder thing), lastly and most importantly- I will make the effort to keep in contact once I am no longer physically close to them, that is a friend. Of the people that meet that criteria, I currently have three. Between them and my sister I manage to talk out most of the stuff that I have rolling around n my head but I choose to maintain certain boundaries with each of them that may or may not need to be there.
Acquaintances- This would be what most people refer to as “friends,” people you know on various levels that you spend time with. For the most part they are people I spend time with but they don’t know anything about me, becasue I am still deciding if they are worth the investment.
And when I hear myself think things like that, I wonder “How the hell did I become so scared, so jaded?” I am so sick of hearing myself or anyone use my divorce as an excuse for me to not work on my crap. This is something I have been doing for a long time. I know where some of the roots are (moving every 2 1/2 years as a kid, not having a place that I consider home) but I know that there is more than that. Though I don’t believe it as strongly as I once did that “it all going to go to hell sooner or later” voice is still there, only now it says things like “remember how bad that hurt, this might be worse.” And though the logical/ rational part of me knows that is BS, my hart remembers not wanting to breathe anymore, my mind remembers thinking that an eternity of sleep would be easier to process. And though I don’t think those things anymore, I remember and it makes me pause.
Its like somehow trusting people and intimacy in my mind got linked to something very beautiful but dangerous. Something that I do not have enough skill to handle. So… I find myself reeling from such an experience, life presented and opportunity and like the chameleon I froze. Refusing to accept or deny what was placed before me. So now I ponder, “what will I do with my next choice?” “Will I even let someone close enough for there to be a choice?” I don’t have the answers to these questions but I know that if I’m asking them, my hart is asking me to look at it and be brave.