latest revolation…not a good one


Though a series of events that happened lately I have realized that my life is much like this picture, not visibly but  in the substance and depth of things. Let me give you a few examples:

Work- that’s an easy one. You come you go, no real reason to “over share” except that I work with my best friend and a girl that I used to live with for three months. But in my mind everyone is expendable except my best friend and we don’t really talk at work becasue “people are listening.”

Friends- a little dicier. To begin with let me make clearify my definition of a “friend” and then you may understand me better. If I have known them more than five years, they actually know me (a much harder thing), lastly and most importantly- I will make the effort to keep in contact once I am no longer physically close to them, that is a friend. Of the people that meet that criteria, I currently have three. Between them and my sister I manage to talk out most of the stuff that I have rolling around n my head but I choose to maintain certain boundaries with each of them that may or may not need to be there.

Acquaintances- This would be what most people refer to as “friends,” people you know on various levels that you spend time with. For the most part they are people I spend time with but they don’t know anything about me, becasue I am still deciding if they are worth the investment.

And when I hear myself think things like that, I wonder “How the hell did I become so scared, so jaded?” I am so sick of hearing myself or anyone use my divorce as an excuse for me to not work on my crap. This is something I have been doing for a long time. I know where some of the roots are (moving every 2 1/2 years as a kid, not having a place that I consider home) but I know that there is more than that. Though I don’t believe it as strongly as I once did that “it all going to go to hell sooner or later” voice is still there, only now it says things like “remember how bad that hurt, this might  be worse.” And though the logical/ rational part of me knows that is BS, my hart remembers not wanting to breathe anymore, my mind remembers thinking that an eternity of sleep would be easier to process. And though I don’t think those things anymore, I remember and it makes me pause.

Its like somehow trusting people and intimacy in my mind got linked to something very beautiful but dangerous. Something that I do not have enough skill to handle. So… I find myself reeling from such an experience, life presented and opportunity and like the chameleon I froze. Refusing to accept or deny what was placed before me. So now I ponder, “what will I do with my next choice?” “Will I even let someone close enough for there to be a choice?” I don’t have the answers to these questions but I know that if I’m asking them, my hart is asking me to look at it and be brave.



5 responses »

  1. I think that if people really thought about what a friend truly is, they would realize that they have far fewer friends than they thought they did.

  2. After you have been so deeply hurt it’s hard to learn to trust again, and to stop holding even important people at arms’ length. You will eventually soften as you heal and work through things, but it definitely puts things into perspective. But regardless, you are loved- deeply and unconditionally.

  3. When I think of the friends I can call in the middle of the night, my siblings and parents come to mind first. I then have 3-4 people I believe I can rely on but I have not yet been put in a situation where I really had to rely on them.

    The book of Proverbs talks about a friend who will stick closer than a brother. I have a few people who may fit that bill, but until the hard times come (and sometimes, they never get that bleak) you may never know for sure if this friend is the one.

    When you have candidates for that role, I suggest fearing not being that friend instead of not having that friend. This happened to me earlier this year when a friend who hit a spiral point in life decided to give in to sin and temptation.

    This friend ruined his marriage, broke his family apart, risked my career at the time, got into heavy drug use, and committed multiple felonies. Before he hit rock bottom he beat up a girlfriend and was put in jail. He called me to bail him out. I had to tell him no. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It cost me the friendship.

    This man was there for me for a few difficult times, giving me a few hundred dollars when my wife was out of work after surgery and he was a high school friend who helped me get recognized when I went to a new school.

    He was there in difficult times, but what he was going through was a dark time. What he as asking me to do was bail him out and I knew he would flee – and he had told me he would do so if his felonies caught up with him. No amount of witnessing would work. Even though I didn’t particularly like his wife, I encouraged him to reconcile before it was too late.

    He asked me to toss everything I had built into his deep pool of self-hatred. If I had, it likely would have cost my marriage. I feel like a failure in some ways because I couldn’t stop this friends slide into sin and debauchery. That was when he needed me most and I couldn’t stop him from doing it to himself.

    He is responsible for his actions and now he has ruined the lives of almost everyone close to him, but I still feel a twinge of guilt and I ask myself what more could I have done to stop this from happening? I don’t have an answer.

    • I have fought this battle me whole life with my parents. I love them but they are irresponsible manipulators and it was hard to break the co-dependent cycle knowing that in some ways it would damage our relationship. But I am not responsible for the consequences they have brought on themselves and it is not my job to fix it. No matter how much it breaks my hart that they choose to be this way.

      But I know that is part of the reason it is hard for me to let people in, because I have been hurt and taken advantage of. It is not wrong to realize that with out their change of hart there is nothing any amount of help can do for someone. It is just difficult to bare when you care about the person.

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