perspective: changing sides of me

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Have you ever looked at yourself and been unsure of the person looking back at you? I find myself in such a state, it’s not bad parse but it is very different from the rest of my life.

I am a person who doesn’t really do labels of most kinds but I realize that this rule -like so many others- was only applied to the people outside of my head. For a long time I wanted to be the “good daughter” I’m not sure I even realized how far that one went until I didn’t want to do that any more. I wanted to be a “good student,” in HS and college. I never sassed my teachers and always did my homework.

I have tried and will continue to be a “good friend” though I know I get too caught up in my own stuff sometimes. When I was married  I desperately wanted to be a “good wife.” And I became another person to try to pull it off. I knew that I was a “good teacher, bad writer and someone who loved to sing and make art.”

But now precious few of these way of identifying myself feel real or wanted. And the terms I find myself thinking in feel different; sometimes comforting and others threatening. So many of the labels I had hurt to try to retain. I know there is something taking that space but I don’t know what it is. There are so many things I could do and I could be. And I know that the “you must have a purpose” part of me would love to just latch on to anything to keep from being a void. But that is where I am.

I have met a lot of interesting people lately that have caused me to think of myself in different lights and for that I am grateful. I have a strong inclination that the person I used to be is fading away. I am uncertain of the person I am becoming but I trust change. Some seeds take fire to sprout.

 

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2 responses »

  1. I can really relate to the idea of shedding labels. After my first was born, I became obsessed with being a good mother. I set the bar way too high, I had nothing to compare it to but the media’s idea of what a mother is. Some kind of saintly creature who always knows what’s best and completely sacrifices herself for the good of her husband and children. I was going crazy trying to control everything, eventually landing myself in therapy for depression, panic disorder and codependance.

    After letting go of that, I didn’t know who I was. I’m in the same place you are: trying to piece together just who I am, what I like, what am I meant for. Just being authentically myself has been a struggle, but I’m closer every day. Big hugs to you for being brave enough to lose yourself.

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