I was preoccupied today wondering way I make everything more complicated and harder than it needs to be? Well everything is an over statement but some days it feels like that. I know there are a lot of things that made me the person I am and that will not change easily or quickly. But for a moment I really wanted to know what it would be like to not be so concerned with everything. Even vapid perhaps…
I have been told that I am “simple” once or twice but that is in reference to an easy to please, low maintenance, child like silliness that I sometimes have. It is never in reference to how easy it is for people to understand me or the things I think/say. I’m not implying that I’m confusing (well reading this you might think differently) only that I seem to share but I’m not. I try to be friendly and kind but that does not mean I am necessarily attached to you or our relationship. I wish I knew how to trust people but I don’t, well not any more.
I have said before that I have three/four good friends, people who know me better than I know myself sometimes. I have lots of people I care about but if I never saw them again I would be fine and that is just not right. Not that you have to be uber connected to everyone you know but the lack of connection is not good either.
I know that in part I am this way becasue I grew up military and moving every 2 1/2 yrs when you are small it makes you not want to care about people. I remember the last time we moved. I was 14 and we had been in Ohio for 4yrs the longest I have lived anywhere. My extended family lived there and near by and all of that was taken away from me for a pipe dream of my fathers. I sure at the time he really though it would work out, but then he always does.
Unless you have been “new” in a HS where everyone has known each other since before birth I can’t explain how offal my freshman year was and to top it off I was a Yankee in the south. Until I met Rebecca, I didn’t really want any friends, I just wanted to go home which was not going to happen. But in time I found a few people or they found me and I realized that I wouldn’t belong in my old life even if I returned.
We had gone from a somewhat stable lower middle class family to poor. I didn’t realize that for awhile b/c we had always been home schooled and lived a family centered, simple kind of life. But kids are mean and when you don’t look, talk, or even live in the same town it invites a lot of chatter. Thank goodness the other misfits hung out in the choir and art rooms. I don’t think I would have made it though HS with those classes.
By the time I went to college I was a pretty quiet person. I had decided somewhere along that way that it served me to go unnoticed. For a long time I made everything my fault: my parents issues, how well my family was doing and if my little sister was okay at home w/o me. I used to apologize for everything, including breathing- I’m not kidding. Because I thought that I caused the problems that I saw in my life and my friends lives, I pushed people away a lot. Not in the aggressive screaming way but I would fade, believing that they would be better off w/o the trouble that was me. Aside from one case, this line of thinking was completely based in fiction but it would be years before I would be able to see that.
After college I moved far away from the place where my parents live. In a lot of ways I felt free. I got to choose who I wanted to be. I think that was the happiest I had been in a long time. Skip ahead to the end of my marriage…the only thing I want to say about that (as I have said so much over the past year) is that I never expected the person that I loved to use my weaknesses against me. I think that did more damage than the rest. I believed when I got married that I would be okay, that I would be safe and loved and not have to hold my breathe becasue it would fall apart but it did for many reasons. In my head the adult me gets it, gets that we learn with time to not be so naive, to protect ourselves and weigh the consequences but that is not what I do.
Some part of me does not believe that it is worth it anymore, really trusting people. Much as I hate to admit it I see myself trivializing my relationships with even my inner circle b/c I don’t “trust” anymore, I expect something to go wrong. And it hurts, I see these wonderful people who love me trying to get past the wall but I don’t know how to let them in. How does one counter a life time of “you are the only one who will take care of you, no one else can be trusted?”
I want to trust people, I want to believe that they have good intentions and do not mean me harm. But even as I smile and carry on conversations, I’m calculating the risks-one nudge too far and I’m gone. There is no point this this endless verbiage in my head. I write, I feel a little better, but it does not change my nature. One days like today, I wish I could be a silly empty headed girl.