- Sitting on my swing:
I had wings once,
Stubby little things with no feathers,
But they grew, a little stunted.
I stretched and flapped, refusing to be flightless.
For a time I knew the sun, the wind
But I never trusted those wings.
I feared they would falter,
And somehow bring me back to earth.
Surprisingly, it was not my wings but the sun.
I forgot it can blind you.
I hit a wall, repeatedly until I had no strength to try again.
For a long time I was content to be broken,
To suffer and forget about the sky.
Part of me believed this was the inevitable price of dreaming
Dreams I was never meant to have.
Now, I sit in my cadge and people call me a survivor and inspiring.
They think I have persevered beyond my handicaps, limitations and self-inflicted harm
But they are wrong.
If they only knew how it hurts to breathe, remembering.
How the sweet voices encouraging me to raise my twisted wings
Only serve to remind me of the carelessness that got me here.
How long will I stay safe in my cadge?
My heart still remembers, still longs to fly.
But I do not have the will to believe in second chances.
And my heart curses me for such a selfish betrayal.
AC Nov 2012
My heart shutters and tries to rouse itself from this long sleep
But my will casts the spell to keep it dormant.
I fear my heart, I fear being alive.
Learning to accept joy, trust and love again.
I know the spell I cast cannot last.
I feel my heart stir no matter how powerfully
I speak the words to silence it.
One day I will wake and find myself again in the world of the living-
Trusting some part of myself to another.
But for now I stay safe, I stay asleep.
This is really a lovely song, it has a long intro so wait for it 🙂
Take me away
To a different place
To the ocean
Or to outer space
All of these complications disappear
And all that is left is the peace that I hold here
Would you please let me close my eyes
Because all I need at this moment is a lullaby
The ocean is where I need to be
I hope that this song can carry me
If you’d like
You could come with me
I will show
I will show you everything that you need to see
I receive! I have been received!
I hear the flowers drinking in their light,
I have taken counsel of the crab and the sea-urchin,
I recall the falling of small waters,
The stream slipping beneath the mossy logs,
Winding down to the stretch of irregular sand,
The great logs piled like match sticks.
I am most immoderately married:
The Lord God has taken my heaviness away:
I have merged, like the bird, with the bright air,
And my thought flies to the place by the bo-tree.
Being, not doing, is my first job.
And in a world where we had no expectations to be disappointed
That might be true; but this is not that world.
I will never be all that you want me to be,
I will never shine as bright,
Be as faithful or attain all that you believe possible.
I will fall and fail,
I will choose roads you would not choose
And are not meant to travel.
But I can not be other than what I am,
I have twisted my body to please you,
Contorted my mind to understand you,
Destroyed my heart for the dream of you.
No longer can I pretend that your dream of me
Is who I am.
Or what I want to be.
Along the road back,
I have found pieces.
Once hated, now treasured.
The only real piece of me was the piece that did not fit.
I saw this picture “The Wanderer Above the Sea of Fog, c.1818” today when I opened my email- I get a picture of the day- and it was so inspiring. I don’t know if it is the lone figure or the majestic landscape but there is something about it that I love. The artist is Caspar David Friedrich a German romantic painter.
When I looked him up I realized that one of my favorite paintings from college is also by him. “Abbey in Eichwald (monk funeral in oak).” I was moved by the story of its destruction during a bombing and how it only exists now in images. Hope you like it too.
Dark is the ground below,
The whole earth seems to hold its breath
As I exhale a vaporous cloud into the night.
I do not know why I keep this vigil,
I do not follow the ancient ways,
I do not wait for a new star to appear.
I hold my breath, trying to remember a time when I felt warm.
The ground is damp,
Hoarish grass crunches beneath my feet.
In the still air I feel my face go numb.
Why do I stand here waiting?
I feel that something is coming,
Just beyond my sight.
I am so dulled by the cold
That I cannot perceive its nature.
I look once more to the stars
Their light cold and far above me.
I look to the frozen ground beneath my feet,
It is barren and waiting.
I watch my breath float out into the night
And feel I am a part of it.
The dawn to come, the future unknown,
I dwell in twilight.
A Crossley 2010