So life…it’s the holiday season for me. I always want to love this time of year but for the past few years it has been hard not to see all the changes and differences in my life. My family does not do big get togethers. In fact Thanksgiving usually marks the beginning of my father’s “I hate Christmas/ this season in general,” story that I have had to listen to every year.
I last year I just wanted it to pass by but this year I find myself needing a little holiday cheer. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t have my own issues about the holidays. It is hard to listen to other people tell their happy stories and know that more than likely that will not be me. But I’m working on making my life what I want it to be instead.
I spent Thanksgiving with my friends and the weekend with my sister and her family. It was really wonderful. There was no drama, not fighting and I even clocked a few new good memories. Christmas is harder though. I can’t really remember a good one while I was married. We always went to see his family because he didn’t like/ was uncomfortable with mine. And I have a hard time crashing someone else’s Christmas. When I was child it was a special day for families (nuclear) and I don’t have one of those. Just me and the cats.
I’ll put up my tree sometimes this week and the boys (cats) will begin the yearly camp out. I’ll burn candles that make the house smell nice and I’m sure a few batches of cookies as well. But all these things are just things. I miss singing carols with my sister. I miss baking with my mom. I miss having someone to share things with. I know that in part the distance is my choice. But I would rather have an empty Christmas than one that is filled with fighting and guilt.
So I’m off to find my own holiday. Don’t know if I’ll be successful but I’m going to give it a shot.
I am not as interesting as I seem:
Once I believed that I was funny, kind and that people found me interesting
But you have set the record straight.
I can never forget what you taught me.
What I had mistaken for leopard print was merely poke-a-dots.
My child like ways, simply childishness.
Compassion as weakness.
In the end, even the sound of my voice made me think I had done something wrong.
So now that you are gone, why do I still hear your voice?
Why do I fear what others will see in me?
What if they see what you saw?
Will they feel the same? What if you were right?
I don’t believe the things that I once did.
I get tired of fighting your voice in my head.
Because some part of me believes you;
Believes that I am less than ordinary.
A crow among nightingales.
Amanda C Nov 2012
When did I first learn not to trust you?
Was it an unanswered cry in infancy?
A tearful, childish night I was sent back to bed without a hand to hold?
Or was it the nights I listened to stories yelled through the walls,
Shattering my illusions of home?
Was it the first time you doubted my judgment?
Pointed out how my “methods” needed improvement,
How different I am from you?
Or was it when you decided I wasn’t worth the sacrifice of anything to be in your life?
Was it when I realized that little girl still lived inside me?
That I had not managed to kill her with my rationals and coping mechanisms?
When you still loved those that failed to take care of you?
When you loved someone who could not love you in return?
I don’t remember. I only know that I want to try again.
Amanda C 2012
I sit in my chair reflecting quietly,
And the smile for the sunshine and morning well spent fades
And it is hard to breathe.
My cat sleeps under my comforter, a warning of my mood.
I do not call, I am so sick of my own voice.
I want them to believe I am happy, well.
But for some unknown reason I am lost, broken again.
I do not have the energy to hate myself for this indulgence.
I morn nothing, I hate nothing,
And there is nothing but pain where my heart used to be.
I feel joy in fleeting moments and run from beauty;
Anything that could wake my heart from its sleep.
And yet, it dreams, of love and happiness and peace.
But in my waking world these dreams feel like nightmares.
And what sain person feels like that?
I love this movie. It’s very fun but remember it was made in the 80’s so take it with a grain of salt. David Bowie sings and do numerous other bizarre creatures as Sara tires to get her brother back from the goblin king.
I love all the different placed they create in this world and the amazing puppeteering.
The Dark Crystal
This one is scarier for small children and more on the philosophical side. There is a race of good people (the mystics) and a race of bad people (the Skeksis) and lone child or a race thought to be dead (the Gelflings) who is the key to discovering what has happened to this world.
I like the beautiful setting in this film. There are many different environment and cultures that the characters pass through and each is believable and unique. This film as also made some time ago, so if you only do fast paced this is probably not for you.
This is the story of a young girl who goes on a quest to find a cure for her ill mother. But little did she know she would have to go into another world to find it and then fight her way back to her own.
I love the crazy visuals and ideas in this story. It was done much later once CGI had started to be incorporated into these types of movies but there is still a lot of classical puppet work.
Okay so I think this will be my last move for 8 months to a year. When I look back over the past year it has been one hung change after another. First I moved last Sept from Tx (where I had loved for 4 yrs) to Charlottesville Virgina. In Nov my mom was diagnosed with cancer and I flew home to be with her for two weeks and spent Thanks giving with her and my sister.
I came home and my life as a knew it fell apart and I moved out in Jan to live with my best friend in Hahira GA. I lived with her until May when I moved in with a co-worker. I lived with Laura until Labor-day weekend when I moved into my own place!!!
My life has settled down quiet a bit since then. My personal life is 89% sorted and my mom is doing amazing and well on the way to recovery. My cat (Ben) no longer hisses, growls or cries all the time. My other cat (Sandy) has only thrown up once since we moved and he had been up to two times a week not to long ago. The improvement in their comfort and disposition warms my heart.
I have really enjoyed seeming all of my things again. I forgot how when you see your personality reflected in the things around you there is a sense of “I belong here” that naturally goes with it. In its own way it is quiet telling that for the better part of a year I have in very real terms felt homeless. Not that I was not loved or cared for but that there was no possibility of permanence in the places that I have been.
Now I feel the opportunity to be expansive not just physically but in the ability to let my guard down and just be me, what ever that looks like. I get up at 7 am because I like too. I work out for an hour because I want to. I have a quiet time because I need to and then I shower and start my day.
I know it is not the life for everyone, quiet and full of cats but it is the life I choose for myself. For too many years i was not strong enough and then when I was I chose to give it up for something I though I wanted more. Now I find myself re-learning how to live on my own and I can say I’m proud that at each turn though hard or frightening I keep on going.
I keep fighting for the life I know I want and deserve and will have again; with or without someone else in it. I have come to realize that the main component that matters is me. If I am calm and dedicated to my goals the rest will follow in its own good time.
So here’s to all of us that life shook up and said “try a different path” weather we thought we wanted it or not and made the best of it; keeping our harts warm as we learn to live again.
When I was in are school I was always drawn to things with perfect or near perfect symmetry. There is something about four corners and two halves that speaks of deep grounding and balance. Still my teachers tried ardently to express the idea that a triangular (3) formation or the “X” of five was visually more simulating. Over time I have come to understand this concept and the inherent direction or movement that is implied but the odd numbers, but I am still drawn to the balanced, even more.
Why? Do you ask am I on some esoteric rant about visual balance? I am aware that in life we have many reflections of truth around us all the time and for me this is a truth about myself: I long for a balanced, quiet life. I find it interesting that though this longing has been so dominant, my life has rarely resembled it. I moved a lot as a small child. I went to two different high schools. I moved three times during college and have stayed no more than four years in any place since then. Don’t worry, I find all of this perplexing myself and it causes me to wonder…
It is the place that make you feel at home? Or is it possible that my life is playing the 3/5 so that my heart can know that it is my 2/4? The more I grow and stretch, the more I believe this is so. If my life were clam and stable to the point of stagnation would I have ever gotten here? Some of the best moments of my life happened on the wings of change, distinct parts of myself would have laid dormant or withered had I not been forced open doors I thought were nailed shut.
So her I stand in a 3/5 place again. I know what my life will look like for the next year or so but after that…I can see a life for myself again where I understand where I am going and who I chose to be, but its frightening. I question how much of me is real. I spent years trying to make the 3/5 become a 2/4 and only caused myself a lot of pain. Now that I know my life is unlikely to ever be the 2/4 I long for, the responsibility falls squarely on my shoulders to make my inner life what my outer life is not.
I must be brave enough to seek my own truth. To rediscover the person that I was and find out what she has in common with the person I am now. It feels like there is a vast divide between the two but this is my work. There is no one in this life who can do this for me and the longer I run the longer I leave my whole life in that 3/5 state of ambiguity and imbalance. So starting today I will be more mindful of my choices. I will choose to nurture myself, instead of self medicate. I will learn to be quiet again and trust the voices in my heart. I will let myself love and be loved.