Tag Archives: fear

too grown up- thoughts about being rational

Standard

So it’s late and I’m writing. A sure sign that my head is too full.  I’m not sure I know how to have fun. Not that I don’t laugh or enjoy people’s company but somewhere along the way I got too scared to trust “good” things. Like life or karma or something was just waiting in the wings to bite me in the ass the moment I let my guard dowhatchingn. And the funny thing about self-fulfilling prophecies is that sooner or later you’re right.

I got very good about weighing the odds and making the “right” choices. There is a part of me that almost wishes I could go back and re-do my 20’s knowing that I would be fine. But my life didn’t set me up to know things like that. I only knew that it was on me, to make it or to fail. I believed I could do it but I never dared to dream of anything more, bigger than what I could hold with my own two hands.

There was a moment when I let myself think like that. And for a while it was inspiring and I was bold. And then it changed. Like a house of cards the years of “you will fail” that I had managed to hold at bay by graduating from college, getting and keeping a job, finding someone to love; suddenly none of that mattered. It was like ten years of life amounted to one epic disaster called me. No amount of careful planning, determination or restraint had saved me.

I wonder now why I “seemingly” wasted my time being so good? I’m really not trying to build myself up. I was that kid who didn’t miss a day of school and did all their homework. I didn’t drink before twenty-one and didn’t have serious relationship until after college. I lived my life trying to make as few waves as possible, to do things the “right” way. I know that all of these ideas were/are well rooted in the instability of my childhood and my own fears about being noticed and not measuring up.

But now as an adult I look back and wish I could tell myself that it wouldn’t have mattered if I had missed a day or two of school. If  I had attended even one party in college. If I had a fling or two. But I do not know how to be that person. I do not know how to not look at what “could” happen given my choices. I envy those people who just feel like doing something and they do. I’m not saying that I want to become a care free hedonist. But it would be nice to not have to think all the time.

So I dance and I let my friends con me into stuff I would never do on my own, in the hopes that one day it won’t be quiet so scary to just go with something and not know how it will all turn out. To lay some little piece of myself in the hands of fate willingly.

 

latest revolation…not a good one

Standard

Though a series of events that happened lately I have realized that my life is much like this picture, not visibly but  in the substance and depth of things. Let me give you a few examples:

Work- that’s an easy one. You come you go, no real reason to “over share” except that I work with my best friend and a girl that I used to live with for three months. But in my mind everyone is expendable except my best friend and we don’t really talk at work becasue “people are listening.”

Friends- a little dicier. To begin with let me make clearify my definition of a “friend” and then you may understand me better. If I have known them more than five years, they actually know me (a much harder thing), lastly and most importantly- I will make the effort to keep in contact once I am no longer physically close to them, that is a friend. Of the people that meet that criteria, I currently have three. Between them and my sister I manage to talk out most of the stuff that I have rolling around n my head but I choose to maintain certain boundaries with each of them that may or may not need to be there.

Acquaintances- This would be what most people refer to as “friends,” people you know on various levels that you spend time with. For the most part they are people I spend time with but they don’t know anything about me, becasue I am still deciding if they are worth the investment.

And when I hear myself think things like that, I wonder “How the hell did I become so scared, so jaded?” I am so sick of hearing myself or anyone use my divorce as an excuse for me to not work on my crap. This is something I have been doing for a long time. I know where some of the roots are (moving every 2 1/2 years as a kid, not having a place that I consider home) but I know that there is more than that. Though I don’t believe it as strongly as I once did that “it all going to go to hell sooner or later” voice is still there, only now it says things like “remember how bad that hurt, this might  be worse.” And though the logical/ rational part of me knows that is BS, my hart remembers not wanting to breathe anymore, my mind remembers thinking that an eternity of sleep would be easier to process. And though I don’t think those things anymore, I remember and it makes me pause.

Its like somehow trusting people and intimacy in my mind got linked to something very beautiful but dangerous. Something that I do not have enough skill to handle. So… I find myself reeling from such an experience, life presented and opportunity and like the chameleon I froze. Refusing to accept or deny what was placed before me. So now I ponder, “what will I do with my next choice?” “Will I even let someone close enough for there to be a choice?” I don’t have the answers to these questions but I know that if I’m asking them, my hart is asking me to look at it and be brave.

 

The shutter

Standard

I am breathing again…but only as such.

My heart shutters and tries to rouse itself from this long sleep

But my will casts the spell to keep it dormant.

I fear my heart, I fear being alive.

Learning to accept joy, trust and love again.

I know the spell I cast cannot last.

I feel my heart stir no matter how powerfully

I speak the words to silence it.

One day I will wake and find myself again in the world of the living-

Trusting some part of myself to another.

But for now I stay safe, I stay asleep.

AC 2012

What I left behind: finding my bliss

Standard

I have realized that over the past 6 months or so I have done a lot of surviving and not a lot of living. I wish that I could say that it was necessary but I’m awake enough to realize that a good bit of it is hiding. So the question is what do I do about it?

I know that I could continue to live this life and get by but that is not what I want. I miss the passion in my life about work and creativity. I miss being bold and going places and doing things because I want to with or with out people.

I have used the excuse too long that I don’t know anything about this town or the surrounding area.  All it takes to remedy that is gas and the GPS. I have come to realize that I am afraid to feel. Being an emotional person most of my life this feels odd but it is the only explanation for many of the things I have let happen.

I don’t “make” anything right now. I love photography and haven’t taken picture in month, it has been even longer since I picked up a pencil or a paint brush. I have written but it’s so easy to escape feelings in the esoteric meanings of words. It is not so easy to evade color, beauty or the memories linked to smell. Once I came to this realization I was shocked that I have spent months choosing not to feel.

That is not to say that I haven’t ranted or cried but I feel something deeper lurking just beyond the emotions I know I cn control. It makes me stop conversations and stay out of my study. I know that I need to address it and love myself through it but I seem to chicken out every time I feel it coming to the surface. I don’t want to be one of those people who hides in other words and yet here I am, reading books and watching tv instead of engaging myself.

So how do I break the pattern? How do I reach out to myself in a way that feels safe? By making a list.

Things to do this weekend and next week:

  1. Cook all of my own food- on some very base level this is taking care of me.
  2. TV no more that 1 hr per day- I need to play in the real word
  3. Wake up every day @ 7am and use that hour doing something that is meaningful to me (blogging, praying, exercising)
  4. Go outside!!! Even just a walk down the st.
  5. Find a place in town that I want to go to and go there.
  6. Make a list of all my unfinished art projects and work on one.
  7. Take my camera anywhere and use it.

Some of you may wonder “what is the point in a list if you don’t do those things?”  Well for me getting my thoughts together in some form and out of my head always helps. Also having a record so when I find myself in those unhappy prone to numbness moments there is a plan.

I want to thank those of you who have been encouraging me to be less of a victim and more of a survivor. Thank you for you words directly and through your writing. I know that I will get my head out of the sand and rediscover what makes my life amazing.

blank pages full head

Standard

I am walking through a world of numbness,

Lost between grief and fear.

I hear myself calling from the other side

But I cannot reach me.

 

All the dreams I so carefully placed,

All the bravado people believed, were lies.

I am not doing well, I have not learned to cope,

I have learned to be silent and smile.

 

It is apparent, in this moment without distractions

That my life is still empty, that my heart has not healed.

I question my own ability to thrive

And the desire to do so.

 

Where is the girl I left behind?

Where is the woman confident in her purpose?

Where is the wonder my life held long before I met you?

From where I stand they are but dying embers.

 

How do I rekindle my dreams,

Do I let them burn to cold ash, hoping that something new will come?

Do I follow old dreams and see if there is any life left in them?

Do I let them pass, fearing the consequence of choice?

 

There are no answers but the ones in my bruised heart and battered mind.

I don’t remember how to be kind to myself,

I don’t remember what is it to love myself.

I survive, trying to breathe and sleep at night.

 

A S 2011

The Veil

Standard

If I spoke into the silence all the things thinly veiled behind my smile,

Would you still love me?

I fear the thoughts in my mind and the anger in my heart.

I tremble at the force of their burning.

But to speak…

The coast is so high, the damage so great

That I would rather let you think what you will of me

Than open a door I cannot close.

AC 2011

bad dreams

Standard

I wake, my heart uncertain and afraid. I was dreaming a moment ago. But somehow what should have been pleasant turned dark, my heart affecting the interpenetration.

I don’t know how to feel, when the reference has changed; when I have no guide lines to follow.  I hate this fear and yet it seems the only thing that keeps me safe. If I don’t trust you, you can’t hurt me any more. But if I don’t trust you there will be no any more.

I thought I was doing better- and I am, but there are still huge holes in my life. It is foolish to think that I can ignore/ insta-fix them. I cannot give up half of my hear so easily.