I am not as interesting as I seem:
Once I believed that I was funny, kind and that people found me interesting
But you have set the record straight.
I can never forget what you taught me.
What I had mistaken for leopard print was merely poke-a-dots.
My child like ways, simply childishness.
Compassion as weakness.
In the end, even the sound of my voice made me think I had done something wrong.
So now that you are gone, why do I still hear your voice?
Why do I fear what others will see in me?
What if they see what you saw?
Will they feel the same? What if you were right?
I don’t believe the things that I once did.
I get tired of fighting your voice in my head.
Because some part of me believes you;
Believes that I am less than ordinary.
A crow among nightingales.
Amanda C Nov 2012
When did I first learn not to trust you?
Was it an unanswered cry in infancy?
A tearful, childish night I was sent back to bed without a hand to hold?
Or was it the nights I listened to stories yelled through the walls,
Shattering my illusions of home?
Was it the first time you doubted my judgment?
Pointed out how my “methods” needed improvement,
How different I am from you?
Or was it when you decided I wasn’t worth the sacrifice of anything to be in your life?
Was it when I realized that little girl still lived inside me?
That I had not managed to kill her with my rationals and coping mechanisms?
When you still loved those that failed to take care of you?
When you loved someone who could not love you in return?
I don’t remember. I only know that I want to try again.
Amanda C 2012
Aad guray nameh
Jugaad guray nameh
Sat guray nameh
Siri guru devay nameh
I bow to the Primal Guru,
I bow to the Guru woven through time
I bow to the True Guru, the true
identity of the self.
I bow to the Great Guru whose great
glory will always be.
Guru: that which brings us from darkness
(GU) to light (RU).
There is a crack, a tiny hole in the once impenetrable walls.
And though the guards have not noticed and the king sits calmly on his throne,
The engineer is worried.
Silently he measures, calculates and waits.
Waits to tell them the inevitable truth, a truth they do not wish to hear:
The structural integrity has been compromised.
It sounds cool and calm but in his mind he is really saying:
One day- not right away, the wall will crack and then crumble
And eventually fall down, all because of that tiny hole.
How could this happen? He had been so vigilant, planned and tested it a thousand times.
Maybe it was the foundation or the mortar
Or an unforeseen wind or movement of the ground.
Be that as it may the whole was there and no amount of plaster could cover the truth.
The wall would fall and they would be left defenseless.
I have traveled so far out into the ocean that I cannot find the land. I have forgotten the path my heart used to know, the light that guided me through the vast darkness.
I swim on endlessly, not knowing in which direction I travel. No compass star light the darkness above me, no patch of land provides me rest.
And still I wonder…would I rest if grace afforded me a place? Would I follow if the stars were bright above me? I think not. I drove myself into these deep waters, I ran from all I knew.
Who am I to lament my choices, to change my mind.
I am breathing again…but only as such.
My heart shutters and tries to rouse itself from this long sleep
But my will casts the spell to keep it dormant.
I fear my heart, I fear being alive.
Learning to accept joy, trust and love again.
I know the spell I cast cannot last.
I feel my heart stir no matter how powerfully
I speak the words to silence it.
One day I will wake and find myself again in the world of the living-
Trusting some part of myself to another.
But for now I stay safe, I stay asleep.