Tag Archives: saddness

Sitting on my swing- poem

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  1. Sitting on my swing:

    I had wings once,

    Stubby little things with no feathers,

    But they grew, a little stunted.

    I stretched and flapped, refusing to be flightless.

     

    For a time I knew the sun, the wind

    But I never trusted those wings.

    I feared they would falter,

    And somehow bring me back to earth.

     

    Surprisingly, it was not my wings but the sun.

    I forgot  it can blind you.

    I hit a wall, repeatedly until I had no strength to try again.

     

    For a long time I was content to be broken,

    To suffer and forget about the sky.

    Part of me believed this was the inevitable price of dreaming

    Dreams I was never meant to have.

     

    Now, I sit in my cadge and people call me a survivor and inspiring.

    They think I have persevered beyond my handicaps, limitations and self-inflicted harm

    But they are wrong.

     

    If they only knew how it hurts to breathe, remembering.

    How the sweet voices encouraging me to raise my twisted wings

    Only serve to remind me of the carelessness that got me here.

     

    How long will I stay safe in my cadge?

    My heart still remembers, still longs to fly.

    But I do not have the will to believe in second chances.

    And my heart curses me for such a selfish betrayal.

     

    AC Nov 2012

self induced coma

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I sit in my chair reflecting quietly,

And the smile for the sunshine and morning well spent fades

And it is hard to breathe.

My cat sleeps under my comforter, a warning of my mood.

I do not call, I am so sick of my own voice.

I want them to believe I am happy, well.

But for some unknown reason I am lost, broken again.

I do not have the energy to hate myself for this indulgence.

I morn nothing, I hate nothing,

And there is nothing but pain where my heart used to be.

I feel joy in fleeting moments and run from beauty;

Anything that could wake my heart from its sleep.

And yet, it dreams, of love and happiness and peace.

But in my waking world these dreams feel like nightmares.

And what sain person feels like that?

AS 2011

Thoughts

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Its been a bit much,  making decisions that will affect the next six months/ year of my life.

Its been a bit much, watching the calendar move closer to-day that used to mean so much and now resounds with pain.

Its been a bit much, to not passionately love anything about my life.

Its been a bit much, to move three times in the last six months and still need to rent a moving truck.

Its been a bit much, to watch the love of my life, move on so easily.

Its been a bit much, to be a daughter so overwhelmed that I haven’t had time for my family.

Its been a bit much, when even my cats, know I”m not really here.

So how do I go about changing/ surviving my life?

How do I let myself be here and run madly in the other direction?

How do I open my heart when all I feel is pain?

Because…

Its good, when I do my morning thing.

Its good, when my mom has one last treatment to go.

Its good, when my sister is having a girl!

Its good, when my roommate makes me laugh.

Its good, drinking coffee on the porch.

Its good, listening to the soft purr next to me.

Its good, knowing I am here and there is so much to come.

Its good, because I am alive.

A Crossley 5-2011

The brave face- 5-11-2011

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well-you-dont-say.deviantart.com/art/Seperation-Anxiety-140774804

Do you see behind the pomp and circumstance?

All the words and smiles meant to distract you and I.

I hear the voice in my head saying, “it’s only a flesh wound, you’re fine.”

But my heart bleeds when I see your name;

The shattered picture of my life rises from the dark corner

And I am forced to feel.

I do well most days; to laugh and love and live

But not when I remember.

I enjoy choosing things for myself and  creating a safe place

But not when I remember.

There are days, weeks even when I feel my life finding a still point, balance

but not when I remember.

How long till the sight of you stops shredding my heart?

How long till the sound of your voice ceases to bring tears to my eyes?

How long till I no longer dream of you?

They think they know me;

So sweet and kind, a nice person.

They see the lie I wish was the truth,

But beneath it and beyond its short expanse

Is the broken part of me, the part I cannot fix.

I pray that time will make my lies truth.

A. Crossley 5-11-2011

Breathing

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I’m breathing but its hard to tell,

There is no sound that emanates from my lungs.

There is no movement in my body.

I wait.

There will come a moment when I draw breath again.

Some point in time beyond this one

When I will choose to move forward.

But it is not this one.

AC 2011

Children I once knew

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I close my eyes and I see you there,

Children I once knew.

You smile back at me open, fresh, full of possibility.

I watch you grow, encourage your talent and heart,

Knowing someday these gift will bless you and others.

But today my dreams for you are shattered,

Hope has left us, here.

I struggle to understand, why I continue on and you are left behind.

I close my eyes and I see you there,

Children I once knew.

Dedicated to Tanya and Eric Valdez   2010