So life…it’s the holiday season for me. I always want to love this time of year but for the past few years it has been hard not to see all the changes and differences in my life. My family does not do big get togethers. In fact Thanksgiving usually marks the beginning of my father’s “I hate Christmas/ this season in general,” story that I have had to listen to every year.
I last year I just wanted it to pass by but this year I find myself needing a little holiday cheer. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t have my own issues about the holidays. It is hard to listen to other people tell their happy stories and know that more than likely that will not be me. But I’m working on making my life what I want it to be instead.
I spent Thanksgiving with my friends and the weekend with my sister and her family. It was really wonderful. There was no drama, not fighting and I even clocked a few new good memories. Christmas is harder though. I can’t really remember a good one while I was married. We always went to see his family because he didn’t like/ was uncomfortable with mine. And I have a hard time crashing someone else’s Christmas. When I was child it was a special day for families (nuclear) and I don’t have one of those. Just me and the cats.
I’ll put up my tree sometimes this week and the boys (cats) will begin the yearly camp out. I’ll burn candles that make the house smell nice and I’m sure a few batches of cookies as well. But all these things are just things. I miss singing carols with my sister. I miss baking with my mom. I miss having someone to share things with. I know that in part the distance is my choice. But I would rather have an empty Christmas than one that is filled with fighting and guilt.
So I’m off to find my own holiday. Don’t know if I’ll be successful but I’m going to give it a shot.
Amanda Schwab 
Good for you! No better way to reclaim your life than finding your own holiday celebration.
I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with the holidays. It was years after the big ‘D’ that I could even admit to liking Christmas again. And then I went and decided I was going to wander the southern continent and be thousands of miles away from kith and kin when the holidays came around! My choice, of course, but that doesn’t mean I don’t look at them with trepidation, knowing I’m going to feel lonely and not very celebratory so far away from everyone I love. Thanksgiving was hard. I’m hoping Christmas won’t be worse.
Here’s to you finding what makes you happy, and not feeling the least bit guilty about it! 🙂
I could not resist commenting. Exceptionally well written!