Over all I was having a good weekend and then last night a heard a song on the radio driving to a friend’s house. Suddenly all the “busyness” was stripped away and for a moment I was left staring at how I really feel about my relationship or lack of it. I didn’t expect to cry, I didn’t expect the feeling to linger over me all evening. I guess I underestimated how well I can hide.
In my own defense I have been trying to make a life here and that takes time and effort and I have been genuinely happy but there is a coroner in my life where nothing makes sense and almost everything hurts. It is hard to let myself have the good when that piece is so disjointed.
But I also know that the only way for me to heal is to let myself have some measure of happiness. I can no longer afford to have my happiness tied up in the wreckage that is this relationship. I’m not saying that I’m throwing in the towel but some healthy distance is necessary considering there has been nothing but pain for a while. And though I’m willing to wait there is an expiration date on that sentiment.
I will not live like this forever, I deserve better. I guess that is why the song hurt so much. She is making her choice and I am not there yet but I completely understand. It is difficult to see yourself in spaces you never dreamed you would be in. It is harder still to see the people I love finding ways to over come and not having that myself.
It makes me wonder why I ended up here- waiting to start over. I’m not going to lie, based on all the evidence I have very little hope that this will turn out in any way that is “good” for me but maybe that is the lesson. I can’t save everything, I can’t make it better and some times walking away is more loving to yourself than getting beaten up one more time.
I wish I had the answers, I wish that I could know because then I could begin to move on with my life one way or another. But life is not like that, so I’m here remembering how to breathe, to laugh and smile, believe in myself again while I wait. One day I will be strong again, I will believe in me again and I will choose differently.
Amanda Schwab 