Gravity- Sara Baeilles

People often ask me what my marriage was like and why it ended, this song is so close to the way I felt during and at the end of it that I got chills the first time I heard it.

blank pages full head

I am walking through a world of numbness,

Lost between grief and fear.

I hear myself calling from the other side

But I cannot reach me.

 

All the dreams I so carefully placed,

All the bravado people believed, were lies.

I am not doing well, I have not learned to cope,

I have learned to be silent and smile.

 

It is apparent, in this moment without distractions

That my life is still empty, that my heart has not healed.

I question my own ability to thrive

And the desire to do so.

 

Where is the girl I left behind?

Where is the woman confident in her purpose?

Where is the wonder my life held long before I met you?

From where I stand they are but dying embers.

 

How do I rekindle my dreams,

Do I let them burn to cold ash, hoping that something new will come?

Do I follow old dreams and see if there is any life left in them?

Do I let them pass, fearing the consequence of choice?

 

There are no answers but the ones in my bruised heart and battered mind.

I don’t remember how to be kind to myself,

I don’t remember what is it to love myself.

I survive, trying to breathe and sleep at night.

 

A S 2011

Past, Present, Future

On day my heart will stop tearing itself apart,

On day peace and hope will fill it again.

One day I will remember the person I once was

And the person I will be again.

But yesterday my world burnt to a cinder,

Yesterday my best friend broke my heart.

Yesterday everything I though I knew turned to vapor

And a void was left in the place of my dreams.

So today I move on trying to breathe,

Today my heart is carried far from my sleeve.

Today I cry the hot stinging tears of confusion

And regret.

But only for today.

AC 2011

Thoughts

Its been a bit much,  making decisions that will affect the next six months/ year of my life.

Its been a bit much, watching the calendar move closer to-day that used to mean so much and now resounds with pain.

Its been a bit much, to not passionately love anything about my life.

Its been a bit much, to move three times in the last six months and still need to rent a moving truck.

Its been a bit much, to watch the love of my life, move on so easily.

Its been a bit much, to be a daughter so overwhelmed that I haven’t had time for my family.

Its been a bit much, when even my cats, know I”m not really here.

So how do I go about changing/ surviving my life?

How do I let myself be here and run madly in the other direction?

How do I open my heart when all I feel is pain?

Because…

Its good, when I do my morning thing.

Its good, when my mom has one last treatment to go.

Its good, when my sister is having a girl!

Its good, when my roommate makes me laugh.

Its good, drinking coffee on the porch.

Its good, listening to the soft purr next to me.

Its good, knowing I am here and there is so much to come.

Its good, because I am alive.

A Crossley 5-2011

Not as we-Alanis Morissette

“Not As We”

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I’m barely making sense for now
I’m faking it ’til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I’m faking it til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God’s taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I’m barely making sense just yet
I’m faking it til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Random

Over all I was having a good weekend and then last night a heard a song on the radio driving to a friend’s house. Suddenly all the “busyness” was stripped away and for a moment I was left staring at how I really feel about my relationship or lack of it. I didn’t expect to cry, I didn’t expect the feeling to linger over me all evening. I guess I underestimated how well I can hide.

In my own defense I have been trying to make a life here and that takes time and effort and I have been genuinely happy but there is a coroner in my life where nothing makes sense and almost everything hurts. It is hard to let myself have the good when that piece is so disjointed.

But I also know that the only way for me to heal is to let myself have some measure of happiness.   I can no longer afford to have my happiness tied up in the wreckage that is this relationship. I’m not saying that I’m throwing in the towel but some healthy distance is necessary considering there has been nothing but pain for a while. And though I’m willing to wait there is an expiration date on that sentiment.

I will not live like this forever, I deserve better. I guess that is why the song hurt so much. She is making her choice and I am not there yet but I completely understand. It is difficult to see yourself in spaces you never dreamed you would be in. It is harder still to see the people I love finding ways to over come and not having that myself.

It makes me wonder why I ended up here- waiting to start over. I’m not going to lie, based on all the evidence I have very little hope that this will turn out in any way that is “good” for me but maybe that is the lesson. I can’t save everything, I can’t make it better and some times walking away is more loving to yourself than getting beaten up one more time.

I wish I had the answers, I wish that I could know because then I could begin to move on with my life one way or another. But life is not like that, so I’m here remembering how to breathe, to laugh and smile, believe in myself again while I wait. One day I will be strong again, I will believe in me again and I will choose differently.