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I am walking through a world of numbness,

Lost between grief and fear.

I hear myself calling from the other side

But I cannot reach me.

 

All the dreams I so carefully placed,

All the bravado people believed, were lies.

I am not doing well, I have not learned to cope,

I have learned to be silent and smile.

 

It is apparent, in this moment without distractions

That my life is still empty, that my heart has not healed.

I question my own ability to thrive

And the desire to do so.

 

Where is the girl I left behind?

Where is the woman confident in her purpose?

Where is the wonder my life held long before I met you?

From where I stand they are but dying embers.

 

How do I rekindle my dreams,

Do I let them burn to cold ash, hoping that something new will come?

Do I follow old dreams and see if there is any life left in them?

Do I let them pass, fearing the consequence of choice?

 

There are no answers but the ones in my bruised heart and battered mind.

I don’t remember how to be kind to myself,

I don’t remember what is it to love myself.

I survive, trying to breathe and sleep at night.

 

A S 2011